September Third, Anno Domine One Thousand Nine Hundred and Sixtynine.17:45 EST.
Falls Church, Virginia, United States of America.
What an interesting Life it's been, thus far.
Musician, Farmer, Chef.
Itinerant Bluesman, Bum,Outlaw.
Nurse to the dying.
Historian, Mythologist, Writer and Poet.
Physically, I feel much, much older than 41...75, perhaps.
In Mind and Soul....a strange dichotomy.
I am told that I have an Old Soul...that I have too much insight and experience for my years.
And I feel this.
Yet, I am amazed, when I realise my age.
On the one hand, has it really been 24 years since I left Mom's? It seems like yesterday...and I feel as if I am 16, still.
On the other hand, how have I managed to stuff so much into 41 years? It is as if I have had several Lifetimes, crammed into one.
The years crawl by, yet seem to have flown.
I am almost four times the age of my Paternal Grandfather, when he left home and joined a Circus....sweeping up after Elephants.
More than twice the age of his brother when he died earning a Silver Star on Guam, in the Second World War.
This last year has been one of Remembering.
All the detritus of Gagoo's House...all the souveniers, the little things of my Maternal Grandfather, his watch, his CCC Card.
The Cloud that has been over my own past has thinned, as well.
I am beginning to remember my own Life more clearly than in many years...has it really been twenty years, this December 17th, since the Big Wreck?
I came out of that disaster with an almost genetic imperetive, a subconscious drive, to Burn....to "Suck the Marrow Out of Life".
In that, I have succeded...and then some.
It is the Fall of the year....I can smell it.
Soon, we will be visited by repeated Cold Fronts that will knock me on my ass...confine me to my bed.
Fall, when one can smell it coming, even though it still feels like Summer, has always made me restless.
I want to Go!
The leaves begin to turn, the morning mist in the Garden is chill, the Winter Stars are more and more visible in the eastern sky...
But I am past my Travelling Days.
My Body can only stand limited Going....well planned, and more endured than enjoyed.
No more all night runs to New Orleans, or the West Texas Desert...no more sleeping on the ground, when I sleep at all.
No more Hiking into Backcountry.
I must become used to a Sedentary Existance.Arrange my Mortal Remains, in some semblance of Comfort, among my Books and Music and the Detritus of my life.
I have already become Sedentary...a Hermit...but I am Not used to it.
I have become Shy and Withdrawn...no longer Gregarious.
Too long in the Wilderness...and too long as an Anomaly.
I have forgotten how to be around People.
I must Reinvent Myself, again.
Will into Reality yet another Version of Me.
I was merely a guitar player, until I became a Guitarist.
A cook...till I was Chef.
Everything has been like this....I am interested, I learn all about it, and then I become it.
Almost inadvertantly....it is much like falling down....
Confident in my own Ability and Intelligence.
Since the legs have been deteriorating, causing the same in the rest of my body, I have been afloat....all the things I could Do were growing more difficult,Painful, if not Impossible...
This caused a Crisis of Self Image...lasting years.
I am, finally, collecting my Mojo.
The Word I have been using is "Philosopher"...although I am unsure of it's adequacy.
Knowledge, itself, has become "What I Do"...as arrogant as that sounds in our current Culture.
I have, slowly, become intrigued by the Nexus of Philosophy, History, Politics and Mythology....and how they Operate in America and the World in the early 21st Century.
Yesterday, I came across a website for an organisation...the National Coalition for Independent Scholars....NCIS.
My Mojo says, "That's Me!"...
But, the Psychological Malaise of the past six years is sticky....clinging like some Cthonic Moss.
Do I fit the Criteria?
Am I too Anomalous for them, too?
What has always been lacking is Belonging.
I... Fit ...nowhere.
I went to college in order to find the Salon, the Stoa, the Parisian Cafe.
Finding only Mundane things, I went to Austin for the same things...and was, again, disappointed.
The growing Anti-Intellectualism, as well as the dominant Trends in Academia,... Specialisation, Dogmatism and the Priesthood of Experts,... has made it difficult to find my Square Hole.
Intellectuals have Compartmentalised themselves, ensconced themselves in Cubicles...too often Corporate Funded, further limiting their scope.
At the same time, the Masses have abandoned Jefferson's Ideal of an Educated Populus....ensconced, after their fashion, into Cubicles of their own.
Does no one enjoy Thinking? Learning?
Is there to be, no longer, Curiosity about the World?
A Hunger for Knowledge, even (or especially!) when it won't contribute to one's Career?
I find that I can't help being Curious...and attempting to Satisfy that Curiosity.
I Hunger...to Understand.
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