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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Social Isolation and Perfidy

αποξενωμένοι *
parmi les hances ambedeus **

In the Beginning, I was encouraged to embrace my Intelligence, and it’s corresponding Idiosyncrasies.
As a precocious child, I was told about how the world was my oyster…and about success and bootstraps, and College….
Later on, after I had taken the advice to heart, and had Embraced my Smarts and their corollaries…(Weirdo)…the Role Models and Wise Ones, had changed their minds.
Shot through my time at school, from kindergarten, on, was what I now can Identify as “Alienation”…
I embraced it, indeed. (imagine yourself as a literate kindergartner at a Lutheran school, who knows not only the names of all the Dinosaurs, but the Greek Roots of those names and has a rudimentary grasp of Evolution, Plate Tectonics, as well.)
The more my Folks backpeddled, the more I charged ahead…Individuation….Defining myself, with little input from the community I found myself in…except in the Negative(well, I’m Not a Redneck…or a Jock…and I make a rather poor Teacher’s Pet….)
This was hardwired, by the time of the Divorce…and ML’s dad burning their house down(almost a bigger deal than my own Folk’s divorce)
By the time I left Mom’s, under a cloud, I was already well on the way to Unusual.
Concurrently, at this period, was my difficulties with girls…I was already their Virtual Brother.(sigh)….providing a shoulder while they wailed about their Junior High Love Lives….then High School Love Lives…
When ML moved to T-Ball, Freshman Year…that was the biggest blow, yet.
My only True Friend.
I followed, a year and a half later…but it was too late.
Our Paths had irrevocably diverged.
(around the beginning of this period is when I met and fell in love with “Her”)
That summer when I moved to T-Ball, ML was gone somewhere…and I knew No One…I rode my Dad’s bike all over town…alone, and stared….which is, largely, the story of my life, since then.
I glommed onto the Stoner Set, as they were more open, and tolerant.
There was still the Girl Problem…I was still the Brother…and, admitting this to myself, reckoned I’d go whole Hog in that direction…perhaps one of my Sisters would take notice. Chivalry.
This was a minor reason for my career as Knight Errant…rescuing Damsels, and the like…the major reason was that I considered it the Moral, Right thing to do…
I was a Good Brother, I guess…
But, somewhere in my mind, I hoped for some recompense…the Lady’s Favour, as it were…which was not forthcoming.
I grew further apart.
I Rebelled….and was Cast Out.
At almost the same time, I attempted to Save the Wrong Girl…and due to her Powerful Relatives, was
Cast Out, even More.
So I learned to Drink.
…and found that there is an even more remote region of Outer Darkness!!
By the time I, finally, abandoned my Home Towns…I was Habitually On the Run.
Le Passant.
In Huntsville, I began to think of all this mess in a Byronic sense…with a bit of Quixote(and Dean and Sal) thrown in, for leavening.
But H-Ville was still just a T-Ball with a University(and Prisons!)…the Brief Flowering of Miami Apartments, notwithstanding.
My Exodus, to Austin was with all of this, in mind…
Soon, I began to fear that there was no place, for me.
First Real Job in Austin(Olive Gdn doesn’t count.Ugh!), was a Frat Hangout…
I had had dealings with such creatures, in H-Ville, of course…usually by playing their parties.(the Help)…but this was different. I observed, with clinical detachment, their antics…from “the Line” through the little Kitchen window, through which I sent the food(Kitchen, as Blind. They appeared to not even notice my existence.). They all had gold and platinum cards…nice cars…and an almost guaranteed Leg Up…and they Knew this.
I’ve never been exactly envious of such folks…I have never wanted what they had…I hated them, because their Ease translated directly into My Hardship…they were just facile continuations of the Paradigm(I had yet to read Marx)…devoid of substance.
”Hollow Men”, made flesh.
They would fit nicely in whatever Niche had been prepared for them.
My time in Austin…at least at work…was spent like this; observing the Mundanes.
Then I’d go home to my then-wife’s Circus of Strays….
Little Intellectualism to be found, there…although I did have a few acquaintances who allowed me to indulge myself in philosophical rumination, from time to time.
But no where to Belong.
No Niche.
As the story goes, I ended up way out here; and still…no where to Be.
So I know a thing or two about high-fallutin concepts, like “Alienation”, and “Social Isolation”.
Aside from Wife and Mom, the only friends I have are “Online”…and thus exist mostly in my mind.(!)

I suppose that I should try to get used to my current state.

Hot Cousin works at a giant insurance outfit…
Works all the time, and parties the rest…from what I can tell, most of the folks she interacts with are from Work…those that aren’t, are Old Friends,and the like…and seem to serve as Compartmentalised Rocky Islands…just offshore from the Big Island of Work…which is one of the things I’m pointing at.
I talk about “NeoFeudalism”, a lot….and there it is. The Giant Insurance Corporation has several Gyms, Cafeterias, Coffee Shops, Baseball Teams, Softball Teams, Squash and Tennis Courts, and a Swimming Pool.
There is ample “Greenspace” on “Campus”…numerous Hike and Bike Trails…it’s a “Community”…complete with it’s own Dialect(Jargon). The “Associates” are (tacitly) encouraged to “keep it in the Family”…to put a somewhat ugly point on it…
Manorialism, for the 21st Century.
Friends today are , largely, people one knows from Work….with the occasional call from the college roommate, or high school knockaround.
Our Social Lives are, increasingly, Defined by our Jobs…and the Systems that, along with ourselves, they are a part of. Add to this the Omnipresent Media Barrage…what to Do, what to Think…how to look…how to behave…what to Buy, in order to Be Happy…(because You Deserve It!)
(with the recent, exponential rise in Job “Displacement”…unemployment…and the like…I expect a concurrent Rise in PsychoSocial “Issues”…don’t know how to measure it: perhaps incidence of Mass Shootings, “Domestic Abuse”, or Prescriptions for Elavil…)
What I gleaned from Corporate Kitchens(like Olive Garden), was 1. it ain’t “Cooking”…rather, it is microwaving frozen food(compare to the lavish commercials!, of authentic food lovingly prepared, , by real chefs!!!)(Disentangle that Reality!)
2. It attempts to be a “Community”…Pep Rallies, Special Dialect, Emphasis on how all the “associates”, top to bottom, are on the Team….(again, tacitly) discouraged from interacting with one’s counterparts across the street, at Red Lobster. A Facsimile of a Tribe.
Anodyne. Soulless, but with the appearance of Soul.

One of the defining Features of “PostModernism”, is this Disintegral Disjointedness…Isolation, among an apparent overabundance of Choices. Orwell and Huxley (and Atwood, etc etc…and, don’t forget the Matrix!) are used as Metaphor to warn this or that Faction of the Doom to Come…if they vote the wrong way, buy the wrong product, get the wrong degree, or fail to do any of this, and more.(missing the various Points, completely!)
Meanwhile, We are already There. It’s 1984, the Year Zero…it’s Founder’s Day, and we should Celebrate, in our Pods.

The question that nags me…how much of this Isolation is Intentional.
As I’ve said, after 60+ years of increasing Credulity…of Gullibility… of our ever growing Inability to determine Objective Reality…it seems impossible to place Blame for this Condition.
Like Corporate Persons as AI….is it simply the Logic of the System…Automatic?
Is there some powerful Cabal of Social Scientists and Mass Psychologists, engineering these things?
As the last two “notes”(10&11), below, indicate…Our Isolation sure seems to have some benefit for the Top Tier…(by keeping us as fragmented and confused as possible)
But, this does not, of necessity, mean that there is overarching Intention.
Similarly, Sports…especially the Professional Variety…but it’s not limited to the large scale exhibitions.
Mason and Brady no longer get together for the Autumnal Gladiatorial Exercises(Football…they’re in different categories, now), but the rivalry lingers on, from the time when they did.
Fights routinely break out in “Sports Bars”, at sundry “Playoffs”…and other “Important” Games.(oxymoron!!)
Even Riots (!!) are not uncommon.

Folks care so much about the fortunes and accomplishments of millionaire strangers, running with balls, that they will Riot!!!...but not Vote.
Again….how much of this is Intentional? Some, I’m sure…PTB like to pretend they’re in Charge, after all. Most is likely a simple function of Overchoice and Complexity, and the Dis-Integrating Trends operant in (Post)Modern Society(family splintering, suburban isolation, the end of the Career Track Jobs of the middle of last Century, with Pensions,Stability and adequate Wages.) PTB merely takes advantage of this Function.
From link #10;” To oversimplify, one might say that a new determinant
of alienation has emerged, in the course of the
twentieth century, which is not the result of an
insufferable lack of freedom but of an overdose of
`freedom,' or rather, unmanageable environmental

And:” According to Schacht, one cannot
possibly be involved with `society' as one can with
`community,' but only with some of the social formations
within it: i.e., specific processes and institutions,
that definitely cannot be considered to stand as parts
to a whole. Such involvement is necessarily selective
and limited, and depends on individual preferences,
character, and possibilities, sometimes even on a
random and unique series of accidents.”

And:’ The subjects themselves unfortunately have
very little say in the matter, whether lying on the
analyst's couch or standing on the barricades, and
may or may not be or become aware of their alienation,
and may even..rightly or wrongly..deny being afflicted
with it.

This is the biggest benefit, of all, to the Ruling Elite….whomever they are: We don’t Know…
Us serfs do not know that we’re serfs…Enamored by the Wall of the Cave, we lash out at the odd rabble rouser, the random Thinker, who intrudes on our enjoyment (as far as we can tell…) of the simulacrum.

From #11:” :” The message contained in THE MATRIX thus is a sustained attempt to get across the meaning of "Temet nosce" (in the Oracle's kitchen, above the door): "Know thyself." We are not capable of recognizing who we are, what we are truly capable of, if we allow the constraints and controls that delimit societal practices, to define "our selves." We cannot "free our minds," and our selves, on our own, independently of others – but, in fact, are dependent on the help of others, to lead, or "trick," us along the path of "self"-discovery. Following this path may be the most subversive activity to engage in, today”

AND:”“ Modern societies continue to hover in a state of suspended animation–allowing for economic and cultural changes, while protecting the social structure and political and organizational systems of power against the implications and consequences that ought to result from those economic and cultural changes.”
And:”Concepts like capitalism, democracy, freedom , and modernity, have become labels that highlight what is to be explained and understood, rather than involving explanatory value. Without determined efforts to maintain a process of reflection upon the historical origins of such concepts, their original meaning in relation to concrete socio-historical conditions and their subsequent, successive transmutations alongside concrete, nationally specific, social, political, economic and cultural changes until the mid-twentieth century, these concepts are barriers against, rather than tools for, explaining and understanding societal realities in their contingent specificity.”

This last is a somewhat dense explanation for the Texas 2012 GOP Platform’s inclusion of a Plank against “Critical Thinking”….meaning the pseudo-neomarxist Frankfurt School variety(13).( while stupidly omitting that distinction,(lol)thus setting themselves up for howls of ridicule) (perhaps they feared that if they were so explicit, some of their Herd would go and read up on the Frankfurt School, appreciate Sense, and leave the GOP.Ha!)

It took me a long time to figure out that the Ostraca (ὄστρακα) had been thrown…that I was unwelcome, back “home”. Not only were my Folks obviously tired of the game….Dad, off in his new life…Mom, with her Belligerent Eunich…but the Society, itself, had no use for me.
My Drunkenness was an excuse…and it was probably a good one. But Psychotic Inebriation was not the whole picture…I caught glimmers of it long before the Drink became a problem. The local Powers that Were didn’t want me around…”too much trouble”…meaning …what? Disruption? Certainly…But there was something more. A Fat Cop told me…as he was “booking” me for “PI” towards the end of my time there,…he said,” I hate people like you”…Not having much to lose, I asked why…”Because you threaten everything we stand for (meaning the town, if not the Civilisation)…you’re too smart…you read the wrong books…and get other kids to read the wrong books…and it just causes Problems…you’re not Moral, not Civilized”….
I’ve rarely spoken of this little interlude of candor…but it has nagged me. Back then, (and for the most part, since!) I never thought of myself as any kind of Threat…indeed, I considered myself a Paragon of Americanism! I was Fighting for Truth, Goddammit! For Freedom!
Looking back, now…we were both right…the Fat Cop, and I….and the two sides to the story were mutually incompatible. They, and the Principality of the School,etc., had been afraid that I’d start a Revolution…an Uprising. LOL.(VP Rick told me as much, while watching the Dogs search my Car, maybe 5 years before Fat Cop. I laughed it off, then.)
The Fat Cops, and the Cheerleading Suits in Corpworld, and the Hair Police, and all of the other Banal(Arendt) mechanics and gears and cogs in the Great Machine…have Won.
All of this will only get worse…because the vast Majority have lost the ability to Think…have lost the Need to Think…
And all of Us, the unhappy few who have, somehow, retained such a Need, and such an Ability…are Isolated…Fragmented…Leaderless…Community-less…save for the odd Arkansas Valley, or “Virtually”, which is Inadequate(if not Pathetic). We watch from the sidelines, from the woods, as our Civilisation Falls into Darkness…
Again, from #11:” We cannot "free our minds," and our selves, on our own, independently of others – but, in fact, are dependent on the help of others, to lead, or "trick," us along the path of "self"-discovery. Following this path may be the most subversive activity to engage in, today”

**”pierced through the ‘thigh’, with a Lance”.(see:Amfortas)
10( !!!
11 !!!!!!!!!!

12 (

Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Morality of Serpents

“Come now, let Us Reason together…”

Yesterday’s announcement, that Mitt Romney had chosen Paul Ryan(Kill Medicare!) as his VP Candidate, is a veritable Bird’s Nest on the Ground for Democrats…indeed, for anyone who does not count themselves among the Super Rich, or their Fleas.
Mitt was bad enough…being the Poster Child for the 1%....hiding income to avoid paying his Fair Share, Exporting Jobs to Bangladesh, and China…being so far out of touch with Regular Folks that no one even knows, on a given day, just what it is he’s talking about.
Add Ryan(Kill Medicare!) to the mix, and it adds some clarification , as to where the GOP/Tea Party wants to take Us.
Ryan is a devotee of Ayn Rand. The Russian Émigré, and her PseudoPhilosophy of Selfishness, are to be found at the very heart of the Economic and Political System of the Reagan Revolution. It is the Ideology of a Pubescent Boy…”I’ll do as I want!...and Damn the Consequences!”…It can also be thought of as the Ideology of a Serial Killer, whom Rand, herself, is well known to have lionized as the quintessential practitioner of her “Philosophy”.
In it’s most simple form, it is the Ideology of the Lizard,or the Snake;
”I shall Devour”.
Pour boiling oil down the ladder you have just ascended, and set it alight….”I got Mine…”
This is likely a fine worldview, if you count yourself among the Very Rich.
If one is not so lucky, it is a recipe for Disaster.
A Snake is simply a “Mobile Alimentary Canal”…a Moving Stomach.(Campbell)
Is that the Model on which We wish to base Our Civilisation?
I submit to you, dear reader, that it is Not.
It is, instead, simply a “Coming Out” of the very same Ideology that We have been toiling under, for 35 years….”Greed is Good”.
One will likely hear much about “Fiscal Responsibility” in the coming months…Ryan seems to be somewhat fond of that Phrase….But let Us look at the Record…
The same bunch who now wants to “Cut Entitlements”(Kill Medicare! “Privatize” Social Security!), are the ones who have engineered the last 3 decades of decline…in Real Incomes, in Quality of Life, in Job Security, in Access to Health Care, in Civil Liberties(Patriot Act!) in Civility!…and on and on….
(Many will cry out,”Bill Clinton!”, as if this is a refutation …but, I assert that Clinton was the best Democratic Friend the GOP ever had:Nafta, Gramm-Leach-Bliley,”Workfare”,and a Womanizer, to boot!)

In this same period, the GOP has ruthlessly attacked Unions(perhaps the only non-governmental foil to unmitigated Corporate Power), and all things “Public”….including Democracy, itself. They Hate and Fear the “People”…hence, the sundry “Voter ID” Legislation, the “Right to Work”(for low wages) Policies, and the wanton Destruction of the Safety Net that, like it or not, We all rely on, and Pay For.(according to the 2010 Census, Mason has 16.3% below the “Poverty Line”, and 25.3% above 65 years of age,who are, therefore, beneficiaries of Medicare, and Social Security…as well as Government Protected(despite Republicans) Savings, Pensions and other Retirement.)( (
At some point, We the People, will have to take notice of the Reality of Our situation…and who it was who brought us to these unfortunate circumstances…Supply Side Economics has FAILED. Doubling down on the Failure will not Fix anything…it will, rather, make it much worse.
There will be a lot of fine rhetoric about how a Romney/Ryan Administration will be “Fiscally Responsible”…how it will “Get America back on track”…
I ask you…Back on Track, to What? What does the Phrase, “Fiscally Responsible” mean?
Is there any Evidence for it, from the GOP?
They, and their Self Serving, Fat Cat Coddling Habits, have brought us the Highest Deficits, the Highest “Personal Debt”, and the Worst Economy since the ‘30’s…(see: and )

As for the Debt…who dunnit?
A review of Our History ( shows, quite clearly, in whom We should Trust…as far as Economics….if We have a care for the Majority of Americans, as opposed to the Tiny Minority who have received most of the Income Redistribution of the Great Republican Experiment.
Shouting, “Me,Me,Me!!!” does not a Patriot make…neither does a Lapel Pin.
”By their Fruits shall ye know them…”
It is far past time that We turned from Avarice as the Highest Good, to some regard for the Wellbeing of US. It is WE, after all, who must live with Ourselves, and Each Other. Civilisation is defined by Our Commonalities…by the Things that We Share. To dismiss this as “Socialism” is disingenuous and ahistorical….and will lead, inexorably, to more economic hardship and Poverty for the Rest of Us.
I ask that my Countrymen begin to Think…beyond the Bumpersticker…ask yourself, what sort of country do We want?
One of Greedy, Self-Serving Snakes, without any care for their Neighbors?
Or one where We…All of Us…have a chance…an opportunity…to attain some semblance of that increasingly elusive American Dream.
( just for fun: Paul Ryan’s Heroine, Ayn Rand, was an Atheist…and, in the hight of Hypocrisy, signed on to Social Security, and Medicare, when she got old and sick!)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Kafka Charges Forth

Rollercoaster of emotions…
Friday, after my phone died in the middle of the call(all I got was “you’ve been approved…”)
after, then, dealing with kid’s phone, and the inability to dial direct to the Government Person who initially called me…
after all that, I determine:
I am “Medically Approved” for SSI…which will (Finally) get me onto Medicaid…
And…That I am, as yet, “Unapproved for Non-Medical”, for SSI…they need more Paper.
Wife’s Income(again)…and the value of my broken down shell of a trailerhouse…which sits in a pasture, out at Mom’s…
The Tax People reckon it’s worth $11K…which is $8K over the SSI Limit for my “assets”…
I’m told to try and get it Appraised…
So I spend all morning on the phone to banks and Real Estate Agents, and Property Appraisers, who…to a man…say they can’t do it…
Because it’s not “Real Property”….it is, instead, “Personal Property”.
Ergo, I have a choice between the Tax Office Guy, who apparently thinks this shell of a “home” is lined with Platinum….or one of the “mobile home manufacturures’” Appraisal People….which, by all accounts, will cost me at least $500…and likely, $1000+…..
Which is, of course, probably MORE than the damned thing is worth!!!
So I elect to call the Tax Guy…I tell him it ain’t a “Homestead”…it ain’t “Real Property”(which I glean means,”attached to a parcel of land”)…that it doesn’t have plumbing, or a/c, heat, electricity, a kitchen, and that one can see daylight from both bathrooms, as well as the former Kitchen.
He drones on about the “New Bathroom”…$5K….which is missing a whole wall, as well as a door, and has raccoons living in it(!!!!!!!!)(really)
He then drones on about the “Deck”, which is totally gone….and the “Patio”, which was a porch, but which is now half gone…and what remains, is dangerous to set foot on… “valued”, respectively, at $700, and $2000(!!!!!!!!!!!)
Stepdad’s sudden insanity is not the only reason we left for Town, you see…
So I got the whole thing down to $6500…still $3500 0ver the Limit.
Tax Guy says, take some pictures….
Hopefully, it will then be “revalued”, again, down to the cost of hauling it off(which is what I had wanted to do, but have had no money)
The other option, is to sign on to something called “Conditional…”something-or-other…and put an add in the paper for the next 9 months, with that remnant of a trailer for sale, for the,Current, “Appraised Value”…$11,000.
If I do that, I can get Medicaid as soon as November….and, presumably, locate a willing Orthopaedic Surgeon….replace the Hip, and the Vertebra(maybe more than one)…”Fuse” the Ankle…and maybe even get a new Knee, too…as well as the necessary Physical Therapy….all of which is likely orders of magnitude more than $11,000…..
If a Rich Idiot wanders by , and shells out $11K for this Junker…wonder of wonders….I will hafta “pay back” whatever Medicaid I have received….
I have no Idea, at all, if this means that Medicaid will get the $11K, or whatever, or if I will be expected to “pay back” the whole amount….which, according to previous inquiries, could be north of a Quarter Million….
I harbor no Hope that such details will be forthcoming….I likely will never know, for sure, until Medicaid(or US Attourney, or whomever) tries to collect…which, as these things go….could be Years. (Social Security had us down as, not only Separated(no idea where they got that), but also still having 3 cars and trucks(so far) that are long gone…one, more than 8 years ago.
Another Issue…Cleared Up, for now…my “Rent”.
I don’t Own this House, in Town….Wife’s Uncle does…my “Rent” is paying his Taxes, and his Back Taxes…in order to pay the Back Taxes, my name is on the Tax Forms for this House…ergo, SSA, naturally, reckons that I am “Coowner”…and, thus, $20,000 richer than I said.(NOT)
It never ends.
Meanwhile, Joe Klein is on Morning Joe, saying that Disability is, essentially, the New Welfare…that “Regular Welfare” is down…but that folks who would be on that, are now “flocking” to Disability/SSI….and that “low level government functionaries” are simply letting everybody through.
I beg to Fucking Differ!
Mr Klein is regarded as a “Liberal”, by the Right.
I beg to differ with that, as well…
So, since Friday, the Bipolar(undiagnosed) is gone Haywire…
I go from Elation, which led to drunken psychosis, which led to Shame and Depression….and, now, since Monday, further Depths of Depression….and a sense of Sisyphean Despair
Add in the first “cold front” of Fall(down 6 degrees…it’s the Pressure Differential)…and I am in Hell…
Disability,proper, denied me for the Fourth Time…due to my lack of “Work Credits”, and my not being Disabled, under their, secret, definition of the word.
I had Credits, up until 2009…three years after I “Retired”.
Credits go away, after you stop working…so I have insufficient Credits, now, for Disability…because I quit working, because I was/am Disabled….
As for Not being Disabled(by whatever their Criteria is), I really, truly and honestly have no frigging Idea where that determination comes from.
Every Doctor including their own kept doctor, agrees…I’m all fucked up…which is the Medical Terminology for, ”Absolutely, without a Doubt, DISABLED”.
When the blonde one’s on Faux News(sic) blather on about the “Welfare State”, this election season…Remember Me.
When Willard, or Rick or Paul goes on and on about how easy it is to “game the system”, to defraud welfare…how the “welfare system” is rife with evil Welfare Queens, hanging from the Government Teat, living Large on HardWorking American’s Tax Dollars™…Remember Me.
When your Tea Party Uncle insists, over the Holidays, that the Kenyan Usurper is running us to ruin with his Welfare Handouts™….Remember Me.
It’s all Bullshit.
Shat by Kafka’s Ghost.

(my apologies, as well…to whomever I directed my directionless ire, bile and chagrin onto.I violate, to my Shame, most of my own Seven Things, whenever I fall into a beer bottle.Sorry.)

Friday, August 17, 2012

A Blanket of Apology

To all of You, whom I have made Angry…

I was Drunk.
All of the unconscious Demons came to the front,
Took me over.
I am the Embodiment of both Dean Moriarty,
And Sal Paradise….
Conflicting Spirits.
Please continue Loving me.
Know that I Love you, as well.

Six(+) Years….

….and the Gears of Government have finally found me.
Dude called, today…said I was “Approved” for SSI…
and, thereby, “Approved” for Medicaid.
I wept.
”Disability” was another matter…my “Credits” for that went away in 2009, because I hadn’t worked…because I had been waiting for Disability to notice me.(sigh)
I really do not know just how to feel…
Almost seven years ago, after I had finally quit working, due to the Pain(and this, after gradually limiting my work to fewer and fewer days, in a week)…and, even though I knew what was wrong, I went to my kid’s Doctor, who is used to my Idiosyncrasies….and had an XRay, and an actual Diagnosis…
Avascular Necrosis in my Right Hip, Gravel for a Left Ankle, Damaged Right Knee…Doc said, “You Need a Hip”. (Now, add “compression fracture, in T4”= “crushed vertebra”=”Broken Back”…(!!)…I suspect a couple more vertebrae have “issues”…now I can get X Rays, and MRI’s!)
Next step was figuring out how to pay for it.
I had no Insurance.
My last Insurance Company, had dropped me like a burning porcupine, after my Wreck, 20+ years ago…zero Insurance, since then.
(and I’ve certainly Tried!)

The story’s all right here.I can’t go through it all , again, right now…
I am overwhelmed.
Tears of Joy.
The Chance to Live like a Human Being, again…
(“chance”, because I do not know…if I can be fixed, or what all this actually Means…counting chickens, and all…)
“Chance” to contribute…at least SOMETHING… (besides dishes and laundry), to the Well Being of my Familia…(there’s a monthly check involved…which has never been my Focus(I just wanted Access to the “Best Healthcare in the World”.)…alleviating at least some of our Poverty)(I’ve even told the various Imperial Functionaries to “Keep the Damn Check, just give me the Health Care!”)
Chance to get the proverbial “Full Body Scan”, to find out how extensively FUBAR I really am…(numerous Known Breaks and Fractures that I “treated” myself, leaving no Record)
Best of all, the Chance to perhaps DO Something About It!!!!!
Sonata, in G…Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
Light as a Feather.
Not quite able to trust that the Great Weight has finally been Lifted.
Almost a Quarter of my Life has been spent doing this…attempting to storm the walls of our pitiful “Public Health System”.
Add this to the more than half of my Life spent in Pain(much overlap, of course)….

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Heat and Homogeny

The day fast approaches, when “School Shopping” must be undertaken.
I , as usual, want to go…to get out of the house/town…perhaps to go among the herd…
But mostly, because I dread when my Bunch is far away.
50 mile radius, is only various iterations of walmart, and beall’s…
However, Wife must go to San Angelo, for training…
They have a Target…lol…
At least it’s something different.
Wife sees “Shopping” as an Activity…like Golf.
I am unpopular on these trips, because I am an inveterate Utilitarian,
with regards to “Shopping”.
I have my List…and flow through the store(usually the grocery store), with speed and precision….
Which is, apparently, No Fun, at all.
I’m willing to compromise, of course. (within certain limits, set by Bones)
I have no problem sitting somewhere…like the truck…reading, while they finish the more tedious portions of the Activity of “Shopping”…
But everywhere there are acres of white concrete,
Baking in the Sun.
What trees there were, were shorn to make room for the concrete.
What passes for the Patios(America’s answer to Sidewalk Cafes), of the sundry eating establishments,
are adjacent to the Broiling Plains of Parking…
A large Umbrella on the table, cannot compete.
I like to smoke with my coffee, iced tea, and books…
There are no air conditioned spaces where this is allowed, any longer,
in the Land of the Free….
Perhaps, I will do some research…
There’s a river (the Concho) right through downtown…
Surely there’s a place to sit there…under a tree…

Monday, August 13, 2012

Amfortas Agonistes.

What’s the Point
of all my Investigation?
Of my Struggles?
Intellectual Pursuits, never ending, because All is One.
Thank Goddess for Wife…
But, what about my Mind?
I long to be Understood.
And to be Corrected.
Engaged on my terms.
Folks only hear the bits they want to hear.
Especially Men…at least the specimens I encounter.
I prefer the Kitchen, and the company of Womyn.
Lust doesn’t negate the Intellectual,
that Feature is merely incidental…indeed,
the first flows from the last.
It is entirely Rational…
Unfortunate, that We still consider Womyn as Property
as Baby Factories.
And relegate to Impossible,
the possibility of Platonism.
Even(especially!!) the Lustful Sort.
Now that I am Broken,
Hopelessly Marred,
Now that I can no longer Fuck, save under the most extreme conditions,
am I , therefore, less Threatening?

I doubt it.
It’s still a Man’s World,
despite our Advances, and therefore based on Terror, in it’s former sense.
The (quite arbitrary) Rules, and Structures,
are based on Fear and Greed, and Possession.
A cloak, to elude the Uncertainty of Change, that is the most Salient Feature of Universe.
Unthinking, as Habit of Thought.
I am a Bonobo , among the more warlike Chimps.
Our unacknowledged Puritanism effectuates a Reverse Darwinism.
We descend…
Clinging to various fantasies of a less Threatening Past.
Clinging, fanatically, to God’s corpse…Unwilling to Boldly Create our own Meaning…
Our own Epistemology.
Unwilling to plant Roses, in God’s lifeless eyes.
All of our Politics reflects this…
this Unconscious Fear of Thought
and Lust.
The Little Hammer taps our knee,
and We hem ourselves in, to hide from the Universe…
Social Constructs,
Terrorised by the Vastyness…
We burrow in deep.
Struggle to Ignore the Heavens above,
now that we know, in our deepest level, that they are Empty…
and that We are Alone.

To always be required to explain the explanations.
Sisyphean…rolling downhill to
The sad fate of Philosophers and Poets…
Perhaps I’ll be Understood when I’m Dead.

A thing without Time.
As punishment for some past-life infraction,likely Imagined,
I find myself swirling in an Eddy.
In our Rightward Swing…
My retrograde motion, contrary,
If inconsequential,
to the general direction of the Stream.
Waiting for the Exhaustion that will inevitably come…
I’ve been waiting for my entire life for the current to shift,
Watching the Leading Lights(sic)
whip the Sheep into frenzy,
piling stone after stone, believing sincerely that they are
Ensuring Permanence of Direction…Arresting Change.
Unconsciously, instead, making all but Certain the birth of an Oxbow…
Stag-Nation……A Civilisation, already dead,
But Unaware of it.
God’s grave becomes crowded…
What a conundrum!
I wait, less than Patiently, for someone to notice the Novelty of a new Course…
How Exciting!, I muse…
But there is only the FEAR.
There are many Eddies, I admit…but the one I’m turning in,
I find preferable…Less Violence, you see.
It is as yet Unknown which will entice the Stream…
This is the “Marketplace of Ideas”, I guess.
It is how Rivers change their course,
By Accident.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Jane Goodall, on the Beach

((….Of course, my Inner Drunken Lunatic had other ideas….apologies to 3 of my favorite Humans, for my Reptilian Outburst.)
Slowly, slowly, back on the Regimen…this year, I can’t handle being entirely Drug Free, for more than 24 hours, or so(32).)

As for the less positive observations…
I could definitely live in Galveston…Freaks, Hippies,Weirdos…the Island has a long History of accommodation for the Socially Unacceptable.
Then there’s the Tourists(in Pre911 Restaurant Parlance;”Terrorists” )
I suspect that one can pick out the more Liberal Minded of the Beach Goers, from the likely unconscious choice of color scheme, as well as clichés regarding automobiles….invariably, the Kia’s and Prius’ were accompanied by Rainbow Flags and Giant Umbrellas….I guess it could be similar to “Gaydar”…lol.
These were in the Minority…and kept to themselves, music, only loud enough for them to hear….quick glances, looking out for Danger..
The Beach, come Friday, was Knee-Deep in Tea…Black, Red and White, Angular….and the obligatory,and omnipresent, Red White and Blue. You could smell the Testosterone….and Feel the Belligerence….Loud Music, Ostentatious…Prideful…
At the Edges, were the International Brotherhood of Serious Fishermen. I am a Member, as shown by the Surf Rods sticking out of my truck…and I kept running into the same 4 guys, talking about Fish, and their Presence or Absence .IBSF rises above mere Politics(2 of these fellows were likely Pseudo Nazis,lol)….a glimpse of a Better World, where our Commonalities matter more than our differences.
If these field observations of Demographics is scalable to Texas, in General…then we are, indeed, Lost.
By Thursday, mid-day, when the Throngs began streaming in, the Vibe was unmistakably Hostile.
A strange feature of Tea…of the Right, in General…is that they seem to be unaware of their own Hatred and Fear and Hostility….it is Normal, unremarkable…Part and Parcel of Who They Are.
This is the most depressing Observation….and is born out in the literature…in my long study of the Mind of the Right.
It is what Dooms the remnant left to obscurity. Reason cannot Penetrate the numerous Falsehoods, Dichotomies, the Inconsistencies. If the Beach is, indeed, a Representative Sample of Texas, then we are Doomed.
Despite the Collapse of the Republican Party…we are Ripe for Fascism…..the Mindlessness, the Burning…the Essential Nihilism….
So much for Progress.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

It Was Fun, But…

I coasted through..
As in an Ordeal…
I took the Maximum Allowed, of all my Pills…all Legally Prescribed…
And I just Skated through….
Plus Judicious Use of Magic Brownies.
Could not have done it,
at all,
but for the Drugs.
I Floated Along, and it was Good.
Fished with my Boys, and my Brother and Dad.
The boys, and Wife(!) , learned about Crabbing(weights, string, chicken necks, net)….
How fun it is.
I am Lobster, come for your Dead.
Boys, crestfallen, that they must stay close to shore, so that Momma can rest…Dada being too Broken to take them out any more.(“To the Deep End”, as Ben puts it….)
2 Hour waits, sans A/C, for the Ferry…surliest folks I’ve ever encountered….
Bought myself a Green, Batik, Sarong.
Ankle Length.
(for the Kilt Girls)
350 Miles!
& I’m “Detoxing”, tonight…from the Max Dose I’ve been on for the week.
Just Brownies, and Beer.
(Fear Not, I ain’t gonna get on FB, or call any body….
Let the Mountain come to Me.)