Blog Archive

Saturday, November 17, 2012

tap tap tap

Is This Thing On?


Writing on this little blog has been enormously Helpful, in many ways…
The Shrink Lady who suggested it was spot on…I’ve been able to better organize and collate my Ideas, and Ideals…and Bitch and Moan, to boot.
One of my frequent Complaints about the Real World…or, at least this little corner of it, Mason…is that I have no one to Talk To…at least no one who appears to Understand.
I also complain, a lot, that it feels as though I am talking to a Tree…Shouting Down a Well…
Talking to Myself.
I want, so badly, to Engage…but on my terms…(assertion is not fact; statements must be backed up, somehow ,etc)
In RL, I get the distinct impression that most folks who take the time to Ask me what I’m Thinking about, don’t really want to know…or spend any time attempting to Find Me….
Similarly, I abandoned FB…mostly due to remorse over my Quarterly Drunken Outbursts™…but also, because it seems that the majority of those who engage, are…to be Charitable,lol…Trolls.
Very Little Logic…let alone verifiable Sources…cloud these(sometimes) well meaning folk’s minds.
I gather that there are many who are, I guess, part of the Choir…who mostly agree, but remain silent…
This is maddening, just as much as the illogical trolls.
I’ve been aware of the one-sidedness of my Thought, for a long time…from long before the Internet.
I worry about that, and try to “correct” for it…and I have a long habit of maintaining an imaginary Interlocutor, in my head…
This Person changes…from Her(largely unconscious Default) to Kay Baily Hutchinson to Obama…to Folks I know, or are acquainted with…to numerous wimmens I see, out in the world, and find attractive, for whatever reason…(floor manager at HEB, who is nice to me(short, compact, brunette, sexy,and obviously Competent… which is sexy, too))
This Fantasy Dialog is quite detailed, at times…I try to make the “Other Side” as authentic as possible, given the fact that it’s all in my head.
But it’s Frakking Boring, after 20+years of doing this, in lieu of an actual Salon, or Lyceum.
Is my Blog well received?
Beats the shit outta me!
the Stats paint a cloudy picture…how many of those “page views” are me, ere I discovered the cookie that excludes me?
That cookie, it turns out, is wiped by my crap cleaner program, and must be renewed, or I’ll be counted, again…
Even without that particular distinction…where are my Readers?!
8000 “pageviews”…200+ “posts”….and only 47 comments!...many of which are my own!
I want the Flaws in my argument, in my Reasoning…to be pointed out…challenged…argued with.
I want Dialog, dammit!
More than anything, I want to know that someone’s There.
I spend the vast majority of my time alone.
All of 5 people seem to have my phone number, and they’re all relatives.
In deepest despair,  I reckon that it’s my fault…that Drunken Me has trained the world that he’s the only me…
Like everything else, this is mere supposition…there’s no feedback, either way.
The Other Blog is even worse!
Started with the express intention of Invigorating the fearful and harassed Minority of Democrats, way out here…it’s been an abject failure.
Is no one interested?
Don’t know.
Do I say it so well that there’s no need?
No Feedback.
So I go on, with my Imaginary Dialog…and the ongoing Project of Sponging Up all Knowledge in my path, interpolating, collating, incorporating…
Spun Up, till I cannot stand it, any more…then fall into a bottle, and engage in the Primal Scream/Howl/Moan…which, then, seems to be misunderstood, misapplied…if it’s noted, at all(I don’t know)
Reinforcing, along with my increasingly Painful Body, the Agoraphobia and Isolation….which reinforces the feeling of Anomaly, of being some Subspecies…some Mutation…and the inevitable(if yer of a certain frame of mind, I guess) questioning…do I Exist?
Or (Worse!)…am I Insane?!
Are these the Rantings of a Madman?
Is this thing on?!


No comments: