The Paroxysts.

From a Rabid Right Winger who friended me, for some reason(it's been an enlightening relationship)...this, after I tore down a minor pillar of his Framework(seems Heritage did indeed come up with Obamacare,lol):
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“I would be against this so called compulsory health insurance no matter who promoted it. It is not about Health care but about power.
Make Me Buy Health Care
Make Me buy a car
make Me Drink Pepsi
Control what I eat, Where I go, Who I talk to, - Fuck That...
Where does it end. As soon as the government can force You to do anything there is no limit to what they can force You to do.There will always be rich & poor, There will always be a percentage that are homeless, There will always be a percentage that are in need, the poor are not poor because the rich are rich. It will be that way no matter who the president is."Third Way" is a Dangerous Myth, much like the Clinton Surplus. Only Conservative Capitalism will save this country.Yes We need a strong military. Ever play "Risk". I Believe in the domino theory.
We have real enemy's in the world and need a strong defense against them always.Over 60 ally countries supported the Iraq invasion along with Congress including Hillary who voted to go.
We are today still trying to contain the same chemical weapons that Saddam moved into Syria then.
We needed to go to Iraq. We need to keep a presence throughout the world. Someone will be the big dog on the block & if not us then Who?The 1% already bears the bulk of the tax burden.
The top 1% of US taxpayers pay almost as much in federal income taxes as the entire bottom 95%, and half of that bottom group paid no taxes at all in 2010.The Government does not need to have it's hands in the private sector banking or otherwise.End the Federal Reserve.Out of the UN & UN out of USA.Bust the Unions which are only money laundering funnels for the Left and the new terrorist arm for the Democrat Party since the KKK (The Democrat's old Terrorist arm) went out of style. No WPA/CCC. We do not need more government run, taxpayer funded work programs that do nothing for the economy other than allow the left to skew the numbers in an effort to make themselves look good an get more votes. No More FDR Raw Deal Politics. He did not end the Depression He made it worse.We need Small Government allocated only to those powers enumerated in the Constitution. We are where we are today because We have allowed the government of become too powerful and intrusive in the lives of the people.

I tire of arguing this trash with people who need the government to baby set them. As far as I'm concerned folks that think that way need to be in a home that is suited to their wants & needs, or maybe we could allocate one state and You could all go there where You could have a nanny state to wipe Your asses. What we do not want or need is for those who think like You to decide for the rest of us what we want or need because those of us who enjoy Liberty, Capitalism, Constitutionalism & The Free Representative Republic that our Forefathers set up & intended to have just get sick of hearing and seeing the way this regime and the Left have us headed.
If the choice is Government Masters or Corporate masters then I have to choose Corporate. At least they do not fuck me under the guise of trying to help me.

"The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire." -Robert Heinlein

Favorite Bumper Sticker - "Earth First" - We'll drill the rest later... “
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Theoden said, in LOTR,”What can men do with such reckless hate?”
This played on track 3 of my mind, as I read his last words...
Because, believe you me, there was hate behind them.
Rage.
Born of Fear.
I had committed the Sin of tearing down an Assumption...of Correcting him.
Combined with all of our other “conversations”...where he has intruded into my space to ...well...I don't really know what he hoped to accomplish.
Put together, it paints a picture of a Monster. ...not he, himself...but that habit if mind...that Shadow Self in the collective American Psyche.
On 911, I was scared...not of Muslims in caves, and not of the Government...but of the Townspeople I saw at the gas station, buying gas, and bottled water, heading out to the ranch...What I saw that day is the same thing that drives people like my Tea Party Friend to such hatred.
Fear.
They push it down with belligerence, but Fear is what drives them.
That day I saw ordinary rednecks, prance like roosters, and talk about kicking ass and killing...not just Muslims, but UN Troops, and even Federal Troops......all while they were evacuating Mason, Texas.
Run to the Hills...
People build belief systems...what I have termed a Framework, on which they hang their apprehensions of Reality.
The point in all this rumination, is that our Framework clashes with theirs...
We can deal with such clashes...we are open to modifying our Framework, as new data comes in.
Malleable.
Liberal.
We bend with the wind.

They, on the other hand, are rigid...their Framework is hard, ossified, and therefore fragile.
This terrifies them...it is their deepest secret, as a people.
Pushed down so deep that they are not even aware of it.
this is why they fear, and therefore habitually belittle any form of psychotherapy...they'll confess to their Preacher, perhaps...but he will only reinforce their Certainty...not challenge it.This is also the very Root of their Fear and Belittling of everything from the Poor to the Gay.

Almost 10 years of research, of reading everything I could get hold of on the subject...as well as almost 7 years of “field work”...of being Jane Goodall in a duck blind on Right Wing Fora...and lately, watching them on Facebook...even having them “friend” me,lol...all of it has led to this Point I'm dancing around:
That the Hard Core of the Right Wing Movement...that most extreme and paranoid and dissonant faction of American politics...the ones who have always been there, but were relegated to the Fringes of political life, until, in their desperation, the GOP saw fit to use them as a weapon, hopped up on meth, and pushed to the front lines....that Heart of Dark Fear and Malice and Hysteria and Belligerent Posturing...is of the same material that gave the Nazis their power.
I know, I know...Godwin's Law...lol.

But that's where all this staring into the Abyss has led me.
Prohibition, be damned.
GOP, seeing their stranglehold loosen, set this Creature loose on all of us.
Pure Reaction.
Mindless Confusion, that Believes wholeheartedly in it's own Certainty...it's own Infallibility....while paradoxically and subconsciously Fearing that it's either Wrong or too Weak.

This is the Heart...the Essential...Fascism.
Eco's Ur-Fascism.

It's where the Hell's Angels come from, John Birch Society(and a whole slew of similar if less well known Anti-Communist groups), the American Legion, the more Radical and formerly hidden versions of the Milieu that went into the formation of what we call the Religious Right...(esp. “Reconstructionism”,et al.) The KKK, and all of their Offspring, from Stormfront, back to the Silver Shirts.
It has always been there, at the edge, muttering to itself about lost glory and betrayal, and world ending retributional violence.
But the GOP, in contemplating it's end, around 06...maybe before(who knows? They do play the Long Game)...Took this Smeagol, and whipped it up into a frenzy of self righteous anger and rearguard Triumphalism.It was a Hail Mary Pass, a last ditch effort to cling to power...
But it was for naught, it seems....
The Reagan Revolution is all but over...bankrupt, hollow, their Principals laid bare for all to see.
The Pendulum has come unstuck, and is beginning to swing, again...and none too soon.
There's still time, I hope, to repair some of the damage...to claw back a little Sanity and Compassion, from the ravages of the Machine...the Corporate State.
Many Prohibitions are removed...we can even talk seriously about Capitalism.
But, if we're not careful...if we ignore this Hard Core...continue with the Taboo against Naming it...this World Ending Nihilism...then our Victory will be Pyrrhic.
The Beast that the GOP has set loose will devour itself, all the while lashing out...their fantasies of Revolution, and Saving the Constitutional Republic from Itself...all the Crazy Ass Ideas that we tend to laugh at...make fun of...all the Terror in the very center of their Being will come out.
Being here...in the Homeland of Tea...surrounded by them...This is definitely something I worry about.
Wife worries, too...She looks at the kids, and asks if it is not more prudent to cease my outspoken critique of the Nutters.
For safety.
Because these folks are rather scary, up close.(indeed, I wrestled with posting this, at all)
I counter, that if we do that...if we do sit down and shut up...and let them have the field, then there will be no safety.
For anyone.
That's how we got here, in the first place....by being cowed into silence by bullies...by being afraid of our own ideals and ideas....even of the word “Liberal”.
We have finally found our Spines, and ...Lo and Behold!...we're winning.
We should continue in this endeavor...but have no illusions about what “Rough Beast” is wandering..addled...in the woods.

Keep all of these little insights from your favorite Feral Philosopher in mind, as we watch the Pendulum, hopefully, swing leftward once more.
Win the House, keep the Senate, and the White House...maybe even, over time, watch the GOP wither away....That is all a good thing, if it comes to pass.
But remember that folks like my Tea Part Friend are still there.
They always have been, and likely always will be.
Let us hope that the longed for more Liberal Paradigm remembers them, as well...and never again lets them so close to Power.

Iran.

(http://tv.msnbc.com/2013/09/16/is-iran-and-americas-ice-cold-relationship-beginning-to-thaw/)

I think Mr Rouhani is an improvement over the last guy they had in that position. Seems almost as reasonable....and sort of Modern....as Khatami;( he's the President that came before the odious, but entertaining, Ahmadinijhad(sp-3).)
Of course, the real Power in Iran is with the Religious Authority...Ayatollah's(sp-3) and Imans, and all the rest.(the Iranian version of Islam is largely a mystery, to me...I know more about Zoroastrianism)

I reckon it would be cool to end the mini cold war we've been having with Iran for 34 years. I also think we should apologise....yes, I said it!... for Operation Ajax.
They seem to be a regional power....and sort of important in Shia Islam...which is another good reason to at least Talk with them.
McCain and Lindsey are stuck in time....this is a feature of the Pre Tea Gop....I think they're even Pre-PNAC in their attitude on this.
Nevertheless, the childish “policy” of staring across the street and growling occasionally should end....and what better time, than with a new Iranian President who , at the very least, appears to not require Thorazine before venturing out in public.

"Patriot Day"

 

I can't think of a single instance when I have Wanted Lee Greenwood, stuck in my head.
When I found out this morning, that it was "Patriot Day", I was allowed to hold forth on some other ideas about what it means to be a Patriot.
Like the Right to Dissent, the Right of the Minority of One, the Right of the People to Know what their Employees are doing.
My kids are used to my rambling discourse, by now. I get eye-rolling from the older one, and the younger flits away like a sparrow who's gotten into the kitchen.
They are both going to be subjected to a lot of flag waving and propaganda, today....at the school I help to finance.
They know, however, likely alone among their cohort, that the views and memes hammered home, today, are not representative of all Americans....that some of us feel differently...and yet still manage to love our country, in spite of it's crimes and failings.
I have spent most of the day wearing nothing but a large silken bandanna, red white and blue, stars and stripes.
I watched "Loose Change", and will attempt to corral my boys long enough to watch "Hijacking Catastrophe", some time this week.
It's good to have one's beliefs and assumptions challenged, from time to time. I strive for circumspection, and falsifiability.
But, I have seen nothing in the intervening years, to sway my first impression....that at best, elements within My Government Let the events of that day Happen(LIHOP).
At worst, that they Made it Happen.
 
How different the world is, 12 years later.
I hardly recognise my country, any more, when I see the cameras....even way out here....and think about the gps in my phone, and how every text and call I make on it is sucked up by the largest computer storage capability on the planet...about Key Words (Nyukular)...about Habeus Corpus.

About Secret Laws and Secret Courts, and Secret Blanket Warrants....when they even bother.
I think about all the lists I'm likely on, due to my refusal to "Watch what I say"...If I overcome my fear of flying, I wonder if I will be able to.
Today, I remember being strangled, by a drunken American Legionnaire, for having the Balls to say that Lil George is a War Criminal.('04)
I remember being called a Traitor, for believing that the wars...especially Iraq...were bad ideas...and likely criminal acts.
I remember Freedom Fries, and the de facto Ban on foreign food.
I remember "You're either with us, or your with the Terrists"
On that day, we ceased to be a Civilisation...and became a Gang.
 

My Sordid Tale

 ( a recap, and an Update)

One of the most Kafka-esque qualities of this story...among a great many such qualities...is the need to begin twenty three years ago...and to include every damned detail from that whole time.
It is convoluted, complex and has been a central feature to the second twenty years of my time, here.

In December,1990, I was working at Pizza Hut, in Tomball,Texas...living 20 or so miles north, at Mom's, where I had grown up.
I was a drunk...as were most of the folks I knew and was acquainted with.
What was different about me...aside from my Mind...was that I was a hunted man.
Due to helping several young women out of dangerous and quite insane situations, I was Persona Non Grata, as far as the local cops were concerned.
That whole story bleeds into this one, but for now, I will keep them as separate. Suffice it to say that I was, at this time, living the sordid and unusual life of an Outlaw.
I would often give my boss, Sandra, a ride home, after work.
She lived out there, close to Mom's...and she helped with gas money, and we often pooled our resources for beer.
(the next bit is reconstructed from the recollections of her, and others, as well as a lot of circumstantial evidence, and drug induced Visions)
On December 17th...day before payday...Sandra and I were broke.
We collected our change, and purchased a "two-fer" of Busch Beer(2 Tall Boys) Each.
I drank one of mine on the way to her house, and was saving the other for later...it was in my inside coat pocket.
I left, at around midnight, and headed home.
I never made it.
3/4's of the way there, not a mile from my neighbourhood, I got behind a bone white Galaxie...the kind with the fins on the back, and the greenish bubble rear window.(below, is suppose to be a picture of one)
Carload of drunk Rednecks, hats and all, swerving all over the road.
I endeavoured to pass them....it is estimated that I hit the sweetgum tree at 90 mph...severing my right hip at the femoral neck, and turning my left ankle into gravel. I also "jammed" my knees...having locked them, straitlegged, onto the brake pedal.
I collided with the steering wheel, crumpling it, and exploding the last Tall Boy(I still have the unopened can)...soaking me with beer.
My forehead smashed the windshield.(I assume that I was wearing the seat belt, since the EMT's had to cut it)
I lay there for at least 4 hours...until the owner of a doughnut shop happened by on his way to work...his wife noticing my headlights, off in the trees.
They turned around, took a look, determined that I was drunk(smell of exploded beer)...and left to call the cops, and EMT's.
Cops arrived, first...and were discussing whether to charge me with Public Intoxication, or DWI, when the ambulance got there.

Off to Tomball Hospital we went...where they took my blood for testing, and attempted by brute force to relocate my hip.
My screams were the first thing my Mom heard, when they called her.
The only part of this that I remember is the rain hitting my face as they put me on the chopper....
They took me to the big Medical Center, south of Downtown Houston.(I think it was Hermann)
It was only much later that I was informed that the blood test had been negative for intoxication...but I had bigger fish to fry.
They patched me up...pound of metal in my ankle...2 screws in my hip...pinning it back together.
A rather bitchy plastic surgeon fixed my forehead...badly, it turns out. I stayed maybe a week in the hospital, on Morphine, and in a daze...rambling to my Grandma incoherently about "White Galaxies" and Rednecks and Passing gears.
There was a hospital bed in my room, when we got home. Due to my stepdad being a paralyzed Vietnam Veteran, we were really well set up for all of this...extra wheelchairs, a roll in shower, ramps....
I had a six foot section of pvc with a notch cut into the end, for turning off the tv, and switching channels(one had to turn a knob, in those days).
Soon, Paolo, the Brazilian Physical Therapy guy began showing up, and helping me get ready to learn how to walk, again.
Nurses came to check on me, and even a few friends came and looked at me.

At some point, soon after getting home, a friend wheeled me down to the back pasture, where the crumpled carcass of my car was...
Sure enough!
Long streak of bone white paint, all down the passenger side.

There was a deer that we had rescued from another person's wreck, who had sort of adopted us. I'd wake up to a four point buck, eating my cigarettes, from my bedside table.
This went on for I don't know how long...getting stronger...recovering...
I was in a wheel chair for what seems like a long time...then a cane, with a big storm trooper boot on my ankle...and then I was back.
The Insurance dropped me at some point during this time...I remember being as yet unable to walk, when I got the bill for the balance:$140,000.
I started back at the community college in a wheel chair that summer. I also was in a Blues Band...lead singer and guitar man, in a wheel chair.For once, I didn't have to be my own Roadie.

By september, I was at work, part time...cooking.
This period is very hazy, since I soon began drinking again...part due to the pain...and part due to the fact that I was still a drunk...and a hunted man....a Pariah.

I don't really know how long this time, after I learned to walk, but before I finally left, went on...
It seems like years.
I lived in my van for much of that time...got arrested...and went on months long road trips to points east...what I have termed my Wild Years.

I ended up leaving, though...for good...after the one cop I was friendly with told me that I had better get out of town.
I went to Huntsville, back to college.
I lived with my brother, and did pretty well...all things considered.
Ended up with my own apartment, and was doing well in school...until the Dean pulled a fast one: all the credits I had made up, from my first abortive attempt at college...didn't count.
I'd have to repeat my first 2 semesters. Some fine print that I, and all my "advisors" , had missed, somehow.
So I left...new girlfriend in tow...we went to Austin.
My last paycheck from H-Town bounced, sending us into eviction, and about 30 bounced checks of our own...even jail, a couple of years later...for "Theft".
We never recovered, financially, from this... all manner of bad luck...ended up living in our car, and in seedy, weekly hotels.
Credit ruined, no savings, and an inability to save...we were fucked.
Moved in with a friend of ours, from H-Ville...then my folks helped us buy a trailer house. We still couldn't recover, financially, from all that...car was wrongfully repossessed...  bad luck, in spades...utilities, rent, through the roof...now, taxes, too...
So when my stepdad offered to help us move the whole kit and kaboodle up to Mason...we jumped.I was still getting "zits" on my forehead, at this time, that turned out to be pieces of windshield, working their way out.
I was still in a lot of pain, even after all this time...I was a Cook...standing on concrete for hours, lifting big boxes of onions and whatnot....
I knew I'd need a hip, by the time I was 40...so I tried several times to get insurance.
They either denied me, outright...or were so damned expensive...and without any assurances that the eventual hip would be covered...Cost/Benefit Analysis said  it wasn't do-able.
So off to Mason, we went...just sort of disappeared into the Texas Hill Country...100 miles from anything resembling Civilisation.
The Goal was to get Mom's 20 acres up and running and productive...but between Mom's pie in the sky ideas, and my stepdad's every six weeks bouts of irrational hatred towards me, that never panned out.
Wife left after a year...and I drank...and ran all over looking for companionship...and accidentally found my current (and last) Wife.
I worked in various restaurants and cafes...as well as on the Farm.
I grew Organic Veggies...and made no money...I opened a Cafe...and 911 happened...no one wanted that Unamerican Foreign Food, any more.
Around this time, not only was my first son born, but my hip and ankle and knees began to give me much pain.
I soldiered on...drinking for the pain, as I had no other avenue.
My schedule at the various cafe's I worked at gradually got shorter and shorter...fewer days, per week...shorter shifts....
By the time I'd get home,  I needed my Wife to help me out of the truck and into bed.
I went to our doctor...he said,"you need a hip, and can no longer work...apply for disability"
Around this time, my second son was born...and Wife was driving 200 miles round trip to get her degree....
She was also working at the school...and we figured that it was now imperative, with me all fucked up and broken, that she continue both of these things...work and school...we had no choice.
I applied for disability, and quit my 4 hours per week last job.I thought, as did everyone else, including my doctor...that I would be a shoe-in....get the hip,etc, and move on....That was seven years ago.(June of 2006)
I still did the necessary things around the farm...but I found that I had to severely pace myself...and that it took sometimes days to recover from whatever manual labour that was required of me.
Weather...especially cold fronts and distant hurricanes...just killed me...it hurt so bad.
I'd lay there in bed, in agony, for days.
Meanwhile, I kept getting denied for Disability...
At first, the reason given was "insufficient evidence"...after all, having no insurance, and little money, I had avoided doctors, for years.
So I borrowed money from Mom, and Dad, and tried to get evidence...to fill in the blanks...all for naught.
When it finally came before a Judge, on a flatscreen tv,I was denied, again. His reasons were many...and stupid, from my point of view:
I had never been "ordered", by a Doctor, to take up the Cane, again...I just did. This impugned my credibility, somehow.
In addition, I had been honest on one of the forms, about being depressed(wouldn't you be?)...and they'd sent me to a shrink for "evaluation"...shrink said I was not disabled due to mental health.
Judge used this little tidbit in his denial...even though I had never alleged Disability due to Mental Health...I had merely answered a questionnaire honestly.
The biggest pile of BS in the Judge's Denial...was that his little toady...an "Occupational Expert", sitting meekly behind a fold in His Honor's Robes...Toady said that there were two Jobs "In the National Economy" that I could probably do..."Cut and Paster", whatever that is....and "Order Taker"...again, whatever that is.
All this, and ergo, I am Not Disabled.
I had to reapply...to similar effect.
I did so 4 times...hilarity ensued, and much ridiculous bureaucratic incompetence...in my Outrage, I wrote letters and emails to my Congress Critters...all of them...and those belonging to other people, as well...I researched all the relevant law...I had ample time on my hands, after all.
By the time of the last Try at Disability, my "Credits"...that one builds up by working...had withered away.
I was denied the last time, because I was no longer Eligible...  because I had been out of work for so long...because I was Disabled.
This all took six and a half years.
Most of that time was spent in Wife's Drunk Uncle's ramshackle pile of sticks in Town....after finally having had enough of my belligerent stepdad's threats and crazy....(the Prowler Problem contributed, too...even more complexity, addressed elsewhere)
I spent the last of my Body getting this old house liveable...
Then, last October(I think) I got a letter from SSI....I had been caught in the safety net, at last!
Except that I still had the old beaten down trailer house, out in Mom's pasture...Tax man in his infinite goodness still reckoned it was worth $11K+...which was much more than the $3k in "assets" that SSI allowed. I wasn't sufficiently poor, it turns out.
So I took advantage of the deal they offered, and put it on the market...I found a sympathetic realtor, who listed it...at the required "Market Price"....the ludicrous $11k+.
It was a hopeless endeavour....and even if I did happen upon some rich mentally challenged person, the sale would do me in with SSI....
But I signed the damned thing, any way....and by the end of Febuary,2013, I had a new hip....that summer, I got the eyelashes removed, that had been poking my left eye for twenty years.
Meanwhile, and concurrently, Wife had finished her schooling...had her Graduation...and began to take the exit exam(turns out this was all a load of crap from a bitchy professor who had it in for her)
Failed, repeatedly, the last 3rd of the exam...bitchy professor made the test. I blame her.
Nevertheless...it is only now, 5 years after her Graduation, that my Wife is getting her Degree...except that the school put her down as "Quit", or something...so student loans were suddenly due...and with no way to make the payments...since she didn't have the damned sheepskin, so was making peanuts. So the Degree is on "Hold", until the student loan is paid in full,...they keep adding $$ to it, too.

AArg!
Even this part of the tale is so damned complex and crazy!

So...here we are.
I'm waiting to see the Ankle Guy...and the Rheumatologist.
I aim to fix the ankle, and determine if I have RA, on top of the Osteo Arthritis...
My back, and all the joints in my arms, my knees, my good hip, my fingers...I hurt all over....and all my numerous injuries over the years can't account for it.

One doctor confirmed my suspicion, that if I had gotten the Hip, seven years ago...I likely wouldn't be as Broken as I am now.!!!!!!!!

As it stands, I'll likely never work, again.
Tax man came to his senses, and dropped the "Value" of the trailer to $1600.
SSI says they have "overpaid" me, and that they want their money back.
Wife needs a loan for $3600 to get her degree...which SSI will see as evidence of Wealth...
If she gets her Degree, she'll make a little more money...maybe up to $19K...which SSI will see as more evidence of Wealth...
I don't know what all of these new developments will do to Medicaid, and to my ability to finish getting fixed.
I've been honest to a fault in all of my dealings with the various and sundry government agencies and functionaries...but I still fear the widespread assumption of fraud...I've heard the stories.
I assume the worst.

Less likely to be disappointed.

////////////////

So my Youngest brought home the annual first week of school infection....this time, a sinus/upper respiratory ailment.
Came down with it on my 44th birthday, and spent 3 days in the screaming abyss of febrile delirium. 
6 days later, and I'm mostly recovered.....but I feel like shit.
Violent sneezing led to what felt like bruised ribs...and a very painful fake hip...which is worrisome.
SSI Lady says the loan for Wife's degree, and any extra $$ she earns won't count against Medicaid...at least not till next year...
That's welcome news...but I'm still expected to keep the trailer house on the market....and , if it sells, it looks like it will count against me, somehow. The rules are esoteric, and seem to rely on interpretation, and chicken bones.
Still attempting to keep the tobacco intake to a minimum...but any plans to quit are out the window, for now.
I simply can't take the added stress....and it's more important, to me, to stay out of the bottle.
The Medicaid Contractor sent me a list of 5 Shrinks...who they say take Medicaid. The closest is 50 miles, one way...and hasn't called me back. The rest are 90+ miles, one way...mostly in Killeen.
Again, I expect the worst...to hear a lot about Jesus...or for them to simply be unqualified for someone like me("Grandiosity",lol).
There's no way that I can afford the gas for any sort of regular visit with even the closest of them...let alone the Pain associated with such travel.

Today, my Momma is taking me to North Austin, to see the Ankle Guy....and the Rheumatologist.
My blood contains Rheumatoid Factor...which fills me with Fear and Apprehension.
Best Case, as near as I can determine, is either RA, or Fibro...neither of which is curable, or all that well understood.
Those are the Best Case Scenarios!
I sort of expect to be sent to "Pain Management"...assuming I can find one in Texas who takes Medicaid.
This is worrisome, as well...Texas, in it's infinite wisdom and focus on compassion, has mandated that such places make me sign a contract...one of the provisions mandated is that I refrain from using any "illegal substances"....and that I submit to regular urine testing to prove it, if I wish to receive Vicodin.
This means I'll hafta quit Marijuana....you know, because Pot is just like Heroin....and the use of it is always indicative of Violent Immorality, and Substance Abuse.
Being a Drunk is, apparently, just fine.
Chronic Pain ,too. is  a Criminal Offense....for which I must be Punished.

( on the other hand, cooking meth, and blowing up houses is evidence of one's status as a Pillar of the Community. The Explosions don't even make it into the local paper.)

All of this is Depressing.

Even Good News is Bad News, and the Light at the End of the Tunnel smells of Sulphur.

Is it any wonder that, as I get older, and more Broken and Hopeless, that I lean further into Misanthropy?!
That I despise my "Civilisation", and all of it's Systems and Mythologies?

44

Mozart's entire Requiem Mass...complete with Communion in Latin.
15# of Lasagne....

in the Oven.
I even cleaned my own dishes

(how the Mighty have fallen!)
Bad Sneakers,Kid Charlemagne.
Southern Comfort,neat.
The recommendations of Dr. Smoke Nazi, forgotten.
My compromise with said Ankle Doctor, 1/2 pack, per day, postponed.
I'm almost afraid to ask how he feels about the Noble Weed....

I'm tired,

body and soul.
Texas Dems have returned to their Caves, and I'm left out here, on the field

All alone.

I rode the Wendy Wave as long as I could...

I burn out, after a while, too, I guess.
Especially when confronted with the local Apathy, and the ever present evidence of my Minority.

It's a large hill.

I have never felt this Singular.
....and that's something...because I've been Singular, all my Life.
A Visionary, too...and as cast aside as Cassandra...
Gift of Foresight, Curse of being Ignored.

No one calls, save Familia.
Inbox filled with shit I signed up for, no more.
I Brim with Erudition.
I overflow with Insight.
My River, however Broad and Deep,
Is Dammed

By Ignorance and Apathy

And the Dark Side.

How Masterful!
Their Coup!
How all-encompassing, their Colonisation!
Minds, overthrown!

I want to give up...

I want to shed the political, it seems so fucking
Hopeless....

Integrity says,"No."

The hard fact that I have Offspring says,"No."

It's the least I can do,

for them.

////////////////////////////////

Just noticed that there's a Mason on the Moon.
South of the Lacus Mortis(lake of death),
and to the North ofthe Lacus Somniorum(lake of dreams).
After many years of longing, I finally splurged, earlier this year, for a Moon Globe.
Included it in my long awaited Book Budget.
Priorities, and all...

Still have a ways to go....I keep adding to it!
The Feral Librarian, building my own Alexandria...
Tome by Tome.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=pd_ys_sf_lf_wl

Donations are, of course, gratefully accepted.

////////////////////////////////////////

Birthdays always seem to lend themselves to introspection; these days...I am reminded of a book:
"All my friends are going to be strangers",Larry McMurtry...
How prescient it was.

Ennui, Angst, Longing.
These were all supposed to be the afflictions of the Young...

not those of middle age.
Yet, here I is.

Almost all of my friends are online, and unmet.
Even those few who are nearby keep me at the safe distance of Facebook.
I imagine that it is my terrible Erudition...
my aforementioned Breadth and Depth....
That keeps my phone and doorstep so quiet.
Ha!

Of course, other folks have things to keep them busy.
And I am a Drunk....

Not near as often as before-times, but I still tend to fall pretty

hardly off the Wagon...

On occasion.

///////////////////////////////////////

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====================================

Walk softly!
For I am well into the Vinyl.

....as well as the little sampler of Smirnoff.

6 little bottles of flavoured Vodka.
(I cannot recommend the Vanilla)

How many remember that if ya stomp,

It Skips?
My Library becomes a Temporal Bubble...
Here, it is 1971
(High Point of Western Civilisation)
Nag Champa,
The "Smell of Burning Leaves".

Ancient Music,
Brought forth on an equally Ancient Device.

"Every Picture Tells a Story"
"Moondance"

"Who's Next?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

To what end?

Why do I collect and read Books,

that no one else will read?
Why do I cook Gourmet Meals,
That no one will eat?
Why hold forth on Myriad Things that no one else

cares about?
I'm 44, today...

But my Body is in its seventies....my Mind, it's 90's, at least...
My Soul?