Blog Archive

Saturday, March 30, 2013


I haven't thought ...about almost a year...
Of course, I lie...
I've thought about Her with every song that evokes a hillside, and dry grass blowing...
Endless summer sunsets...
Or Longing...Existential Longing, in general...
She's somewhere in the World, again...lost to me, again...
Because I screwed it up...again...
I was angry at Her,
For so long.
So I happen across Her,
And I pick a Fight.
I've forgiven Her, because it was me..
I did this...after She was Lost.
I pined..
I saw Her
in every windswept hillside,
Every moonlit beach,
Heard Her voice in my head,
as I argued with myself...
She was alive in countless lonesome 80's songs,
And in my mind...
and somewhere...out there.
I chased Her back there,
I forgave Her, because She didn't do it.
If only She could Forgive me.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

An Update on the Walking,etc.3232013

..Bored out of my damned mind.
That's the biggest thing.
I'm unable to do the simplest thing, to my satisfaction.
Can't stand and bend enough for dishes(I tried).
I can do laundry...but one load did me in...especially attempting to get the clothes OUT of the dryer(90% Rule)...I had to retreat, and retrieve my Grabber.
I find that I'm even less able to clean up after the boys, than before...which isn't saying much. The Floor has been out of reach, for a long time(unless I'd like to stay there).
I moved sprinklers, and birds, this am...didn't finish re-deploying the water...maybe later.
On the Plus Side(yes, there is positive news): With help, for moral support, I can walk about 2 blocks. Further than I've been able, in a couple of years.
Of course, after that, and the Laying Down Exercises, I'm Toast.
With all these new Books, I've been attempting to clean up and reorganise the Library.
Imagine tying your feet together, loosely...and tying your left hand behind your back...and wearing sunglasses in a darkened room(for the imbalance) full of books and boxes, and furniture. For added accuracy, drive an ice pick under the right patella, and a couple more into the left
I'm gonna be pissed if this doesn't improve...
...which, of course, leads me into my 2 biggest fears:
1. that Rick Fucking Perry will, somehow, Kill Medicaid, or that I will, somehow, become uneligable.
2. that the long sought after surgeries(One Down!) will not be an improvement. I know it's early days, but permit me my Frustrations....4 weeks after the Hip Surgery, I find myself much improved from last week...but much worse than before the surgery.
This is to be expected, as far as I can tell...but it still causes much Frustration, Anger and Fear.
I cannot sleep. The usual distractions of my own Mind, as well as various snores and the kids phone ringing and the idiot with the Boom...Booom..Booom, at 11:45 every night...
But there's also the Uncomfortable-ness...
I cannot get any of the chairs I'm allowed to sit in, including this the the car...
I've got another week of Norco(which I prefer, since it has only 325mg of Acetaminophen)...then it's back to Lortab/Vicodin...which I'll need at 3/day...while I only have enough for 20 days. Of course, that was intended to last a whole month, before the surgery.(to go the whole month on what they've given me before,it must be 2/day(=inadequate))
Bone Doctor has handed off Pain Management to my Regular I'll need to go see him...and beg for adequate Pain Relief.
The Entire Medical/Governmental Establishment is set against me, in this.
Wouldn't want somebody getting high(and killing their liver, which is the Only reason to habitually combine Hydrocodone, and Acetaminophen. What does that say about our Country?)*

I've got a bottle of Oxycodone...but I don't want to take any. It's not Oxycontin, of Hillbilly Heroin Fame, it's Percocet.
It is the Last Line of Defense, as it were....If I get Tolerant of that, there's nothing else, aside from growing and smoking
I don't want to go Oxycodone stays in the Armory, for now.
I've been striving for years to keep the titration rate of Lortab at as not to become tolerant, for this very reason.(quit cold turkey for 5-7 days, twice a year...and drink a lot of beer)
As I've said, most of my “issues” are not well documented, if they're documented, at all.
This is a product of having no insurance, or money, for X-Rays.
So, the Doctors must take my word for it...since the System seems to be Single-Issue.( I want a Full Body Scan, dammit!)

My understanding of where I'm at is that I can look forward to Pain, for the foreseeable future. Maybe, for the rest of my life,
Hip's fine(muscles there still suck, but are improving).
Knee Replacement is next...hopefully in September.(unknown recovery time.prolly similar to that of Hip)
Then it's Ankle...likely Fusion or even's too damaged for a Replacement. Fusion = 3 months in a cast, and a long recovery.
(I'm currently leaning towards hacking it off)
That puts us at more than a year from now(Sept,2014)....and I'll then hafta wait, to see how things are.

Assess the remaining Pain, and Injury.
Back could “fix itself”, I'm told...but don't really believe it.
Same with Wrists, Thumbs, Elbows, Shoulders.
Have to wait and see.
I'd be happy with Pain Free Legs.

Most people seem to think I'm being overly pessimistic, after this First Surgery.
I think that they are being overly the point of Magical Thinking.
It's funny(at least when I'm wearing my Lay Psychologist Hat), but it appears that folks just don't want to acknowledge the Reality of Pain...and the Reality of Disability....and especially the Reality of someone Falling Through the Cracks as I have.
I have felt Validated, since the Hip's finally regarded as a Real Thing, by everyone.
(with no apology, of course, for the disbelief, and accusations, that came before)
But the Rest of my Issues are still relegated to 1. my Mind,or desire to Not Work, and to be a Welfare Queen.
Folks just can't help themselves, I guess.

So there it is...Progress and Pain, and a mixture of Optimism and Pessimism, hopefully Boiling Down to Realism...
I want to Clean the House.
I want to go Fishing.
I want to walk in the woods.
I want to Contribute!
Instead, I must wait...

* From the wiki for Hydrocodone:”As of July 2010, the FDA was considering banning some hydrocodone and oxycodone fixed-combination proprietary prescription drugs—based on the paracetamol content and the widespread occurrence of liver problems. “

Sunday, March 3, 2013


My normal time of awakening...between 3 and 5 certainly problematic, these days.
Home for 2 and a half days, I could probably get to the kitchen, by the long way(walker won't fit, the short way)...but I fear Falling.
Inadvisable, at this point.
I call either wife, or eldest son, at 1 am, or so, to Be Dad...and mend the fire....
Channeling Hestia.
Turns out that the Magical Wood Stove Fairy, who keeps the fire going all night when it's in the 20's, is...Me.
I'm reluctant to wake them again....but dammit!
I want Coffee!
I do the various Bed Exercises given me...I can do most of them by myself, now.
It is remarkable, just how weary...exhausted even, such seemingly minor exertions can make you.
Pressing the heel, or the back of the knee, into the bed...
Sliding one's heel towards one's butt...always bearing in mind the "90 Degree Rule" and other prohibited positions and movements.
What eludes me, still, are the Abduction/Adduction Exercises...simply laying here, legs outstretched, and attempting to move the foot of the "Operative Leg" Outward, and back.
No Luck.
I command my leg, "Move!"...I bend my Will towards it...and it does nothing...
Like it belongs to someone else.
Those two muscles were clamped and stretched out of the Surgeon's way...
The one they cut is actually in better shape...although I still cannot lift the Op leg up onto the bed, without help.
I push myself.
Where 10 "reps" are indicated, I strive for 20.
When such sessions are encouraged twice a day, I do them so often as to lose count.
Now that the effects of the Dilaudid are gone(finally!), I find myself craving Protein....I want peanut butter for breakfast...even more than coffee.
 The Hip, itself, is pain free(!)
...and has been, since I awoke from Surgery.
The Muscles around it hurt like hell...
...and the curious effect of removing that Pain Center, has allowed the Cartilage Free Knee to reassert itself. well as my "Good Ankle"...which is worrisome.
How high is that hill?
Does it grow still higher?
Peeing in a Jug is a Humbling experience.