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Sunday, September 2, 2012
I have a very rich Internal Life…
I Think, all the time.
…and there’s a Soundtrack…which I have just a little bit of control over.
The Big Problem is that Sober Me(Apollo) feels keenly the lack of anyone to share it with.
The Other Me(Dionysius), on the other hand, has a great talent in chasing everyone away.
Alienated becomes Alienator.
It’s a conundrum.
This Bifurcation has become Acute, these last ten years…and Psychology is at it’s Root.
Shame at Dionysius’ most recent Psychotic Outburst has led Apollo to abandon “social media”…
So I ruminate and stew.
Full Moon means that I avoid Wife, for the sake of my own shredded sanity…usually a week’s worth.
Understanding the causes, doesn’t alleviate the resulting deeper alienation, however temporary.
I find, in moments of introspection, that I habitually Repress the less superficial Memories of my Past…
Indeed, it is only in the last few years that I have been able to Remember a great lot of it, at all.
While I deem this necessary, it is Painful.
Apollo habitually Hides his Light…Dionysius, on the contrary, doesn’t care…and Blazes Forth, Psychotically.
The long term sense of Rejection…Alienation…is at the root of the first.
Rebellion, Reaction…if not Vengeance… is the likely cause of the last.
Essential Homelessness, leads to setting fire to one’s House.
Dionysius(Jung’s Shadow) glories in Rejecting the World…burn it.
Burn it all!
Apollo laments that so few have been curious enough to try to understand.
Until I landed, way out here, I was the People’s Shrink…which was an extension of my function as Brother…a Shoulder.
I, however accidentally, seemed to always run a sort of Home for Wayward Souls, as well.
Go To Guy for rides to the abortion clinic, or collecting waifs from the side of the road, as it were…
Half Baked Chivalry came naturally.
My original Rejection by “polite society’ was an outgrowth of all of this…
and where was a Shoulder for Me?
In hindsight, my relationships have been with the Damaged….rejected souls, themselves…at least Subjectively.(that is not an indictment)
I played the stand- in for Absent Fathers…I played the Wise Counselor…the Spirit Guide…even the Guru…
But when circumstances, or the weight of all of this, became overwhelming…there was no one to play those roles for me.
If not Rejection, outright, it was Incredulity…Misunderstanding…or what appeared to be Denial, in the face of my own Overwhelming Need.
Those whom I had helped, were incapable of helping me.
Apollo learned a long time ago that few people Understand…worse, most people don’t Want to Understand.
Apollo developed a Filter…which usually translated into Saying Nothing, at all…Hermit-hood.
Often, when interacting with various folks, I noticed a strange phenomenon…I tend towards the Deep End, of course…but sometimes, whomever I was talking with would violently react to something I said…usually the most boring, non-controversial (to me, at least) part of whatever I was saying.
I have never been allowed to explore this, because, by that time, any rapport was suddenly Gone. My Interlocutor was Irrationally Angry at me…and in review, I could never figure out Why!
Remember, this is Apollo…Sober!
I was always Bewildered by this, no matter how many times it happened.
Of course, it happened more often to Dionysius(Drunk)…but Dionysius had learned to not give a damn. Sans Filter.
Even then, these irrational outbursts were always(as near as I can tell) in reaction to the most Mundane expressions, on my part….and in trying to back up, and find the offending thought, I further alienated whomever it was.
This happened more to Dionysius, than to Apollo…likely due to Apollo’s learned Agoraphobia….his self imposed Exile….due, in large part, to this exact Phenomena.
After a near Lifetime of this…as my Body further deteriorates…and as my Isolation grows Deeper…my Mind increasingly works overtime…with Nowhere to Go.
When Dionysius comes, it is in a Lashing Out…an unconscious, Purposeful, Flamethrowing!
I purposefully Alienate anyone who has gotten close to Apollo…Drunken Dionysius Purposefully says Insane, Insensitive, Assholeish Things, in order to Drive Everyone Away.
Dionysius Hates the World.
Because the World appears to Hate, not only Dionysius, but Apollo, as well.
Get Help, they said.
And I tried to.
But what is within reach?
A Cult of Alcoholism…rather, a specific, “Normal”, Kind of Alcoholism.
I am anything But “Normal”...in this, as in everything else.
”Higher Power” as a Euphemism for “Jesus”…dishonestly discounting this essential feature of the Process, in order to fool more Converts. AA is an Evangelical Pseudoreligion, which Fetishizes one’s Powerlessness.
AA apparently Works for many…but it doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried…really.
There’s no room for the idea that Binge Alcoholism can be a Symptom…which is the Model that more closely Fits my Experience.
This is Texas…Ground Zero of the particularly American Prejudice against such “Weakness”…and, often, it is implied, such “lack of Faith”.
MHMR, Texas’ pitiful excuse for Public Mental Health, is woefully underfunded…and harder to access than even the Regular “Public Health System”.
When I have been able to sneak in, it has always been under the auspices of “Substance Abuse”(which, as I’ve said, doesn’t fit my understanding of my Problem). It has always been “Group Therapy”…which means I got to sit there, among the very people I try to avoid, and with whom I have Nothing in Common.(and who were often there at the admonishment of a Judge!)
Too, the several times I have managed to gain access to this fiefdom of Public Mental Health, it has…every time!...devolved into Evangelical Christianity.
The Therapist, paid by the State, eventually ends up saying some version of, “To get better, you have to let Jesus into your Heart.”.
It is Maddening!
I found a Therapist, several years ago…$60 a pop!...who was somewhat helpful…I guess. She’s the reason I have a Blog…
But I quickly realized…and she confirmed this…that I’d hafta do a lot of “Shopping” to find a Shrink that could handle me. Sadly, I have never had either the Money for this endeavor…or the Body for the hundreds of miles to get to the Shrinks…(it’s Texas…Psychology is for pussies…and, obviously, any Psychological Issues are best left to the abundant Churches!)
So I am left to my own devices.
Physician, Heal Thyself!
Another layer of Depth and Breadth…Isolation…Talking to Myself…
Shouting down a well.
It’s the sense of Betrayal…both Personal, and Societal…that’s the hardest to come to terms with.
It is regarded as, somehow, Invalid…False…Not Real…or, not Deserved. It is Betrayal, without Blame.
Similarly, the Isolation…Alienation…Loneliness. Not Deserved.
Due to my Cripplehood, Wife works all the damned time…and when she’s home, is…by turns…Exhausted, or involved with the Kids’ incessant Needs.(again, Not an Indictment!)
By the afternoon, I am invariably bedridden…and play the role of Crazy Uncle in the Attic.
She doesn’t have Room, Emotionally, or Intellectually, for Me….
And I Understand!!...which makes it Worse!
As needed, I hold her hand, walk her through her emotional and psychological issues…as always, the People’s Shrink…the Brother….the Shoulder.
It is only after some Great Outburst, that I receive a reciprocal Ear.
No answers…no advice…but at least an Ear.
I dislike….rather , am Disappointed in…most of the folks out here, on the perimeter.
If not, then Married to one who is…or simply too busy.
The Banality of Small Talk…the rhetorical fragments…(“how are you?”)…answers to which are unwanted.
Or, if it’s one of the Rumor Mill’s Flywheels, it’s a pumping for Information…to fuel merciless speculation, and slander. (I have learned who those are, and go the other way)
I often opine, that Everything is Political.
This is only a part of it, though. The Political is a Reflection of our inner worlds…and is mostly quite unconscious.
Everything is Political…and Politics entails Psychology.
Hence, Projection…and all of the other Psychological Terminology that sometimes seem to fit so well, in describing Political Phenomena.
One Fears Death, and it’s inevitable approach…and in Reaction, denies that there are “problems” with our Healthcare Delivery.
Or there’s some underlying Fear of Inadequacy… whether in the bedroom, at work, in society…so one lashes out at some-thing, out there, as a symbolic representative of that Fear.
All of this unconsciously…so as to avoid the Painfully Hard Work of self-inspection.
It’s a vicious cycle of Reaction and Reactions to Reactions…round and round…confusing the substance.
This little Tangent is Germane, I swear!
…for it encapsulates the vicious cycle of my own tormented existence.
Isolation feeds on itself.
Alienation is, in the end, Reciprocal.
The Stage where my long term Alienation occurred…contributes to that self-same Alienation.
I am a Python in the Everglades….a Nutria in the Llano….a Zebra Mussel in the Erie Canal.
An Exotic(“from Out There”) Species, accidentally introduced to this Pond I find myself in.
There’s nothing to Do, but Endure….and Withdraw.
…and try to refrain from Biting, as I’ve been bitten, some hand that happens to reach towards me.
The Purpose of this space, this little Blog, as I’ve said, is as a Wall to throw what I think about against.
Glorified Talking to Myself…
I amazed that there are so many readers! from all over the Planet!
I never expected that, really…and I have harboured no illusions…
Here’s PostModernism, again!
It is more than Unlikely, that I’ll stumble on an analog to myself…a member of my Subspecies.
It is a mere bromide…an herbal tea…for my Loneliness, to kindle some small hope, that while I’m hollering at the wind, talking to trees, and tossing potsherds of my Psyche down the dark well….that someone will overhear, and Understand.