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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

On Falling Down

I have always been a drunk.
Not the "normal" drunk, having a nip every morning, needing alcohol to get through every day, or (almost) unconsciously following the dictates of Addiction.
I am Anomalous in this, as in everything else.
I'm Episodic…and Deliberate.
I know, at the outset, exactly what I'm doing….Trying to Stop My Mind.
My Mind is aswirl, most of the time. I've got Music…whole symphonies playing in my head, to the tiniest detail. For years, now, I just don't listen to music…it gets stuck in my head, and I can't get rid of it. I'll hear a snatch of (for instance) a commercial, that reminds me, on some subconscious level, of Mozart or Strauss, or Hendrix or John Coltrane….and my Mind takes over, playing the music back, like I have a tape deck in my head…whose stop button has been removed.

At the same time, having learned, it seems, far too much about the World, I think about Philosophy….whether Religion, or Politics, or Science, or History….Another kind of Symphony, playing right along side the other.

Daily tasks, like dishes, or building the porch, or even interacting w/ my bunch….I've got these other, parallel tracks in operation…

10-track mind.

Curse of Genius….

One of the problems, the Philosophical Track has no outlet in the real Life I find myself in….there is no Salon…no Lycee..nowhere to find others who Think.
America in the 21st Century, at least Texas, is anti-intellectual…(which is, of course, one of the Harbingers of Fascism…Action over Thought)….

So, in my Time, I've found that, not only am I unable to be socialized, Domesticated…unable to just naturally "fit" into our "Culture"…the things I think about, the things I care about…noone really wants to know.
I can't make "small-talk"…I just don't get it.
Here I am, concerned about Very Large Things…our place in the Universe, what it means to be American, Human, Alive…lately, whether we as a species actually deserve to survive ourselves…..
And everyone wants to talk about basketball.
About who fucked who.
About what they bought at walmart.
(spell check wants to capitalize "walmart",lol)
My Wife tries to Engage me…but we are conditioned by the Machine to be uncomfortable with Thought…
So many of the most important questions have no definitive answers…they are open ended.
Many others require looking at ourselves sans-slogans…without the Labels that we use to, unthinkingly, shut down critical thinking.
It appears that most folks are uncomfortable with Thinking…preferring, instead, to accept whatever Model they've been handed.
Safety in the Warm Herd.

I have been told, usually by shrinks (who are singularly unprepared for someone like me) , to "shut it off"….just stop thinking about the Very Large Things…Accept…rejoin the Flock, in their Happy Oblivion.
Therein lies the Problem…not only can I not stop…I don't want to stop.
To stop Thinking about these things would be unethical…it would, if I could, put me into the Herd in such a way that would destroy my Integrity.(the Integrity that matters, how I see myself…not the "integrity" that is worn on the sleeve…noone can see my Integrity.)
To say" it's too hard to think about Ethics in an unethical age" is the same Cowardice that I rail against.
I'm stuck…so, once a week, once every two weeks (it varies)…I drink.
It starts out fine…it works….the Mind slows, I can focus on one track…the Music quiets…I find the "Sweet Spot", like the drunkard in Streetcar named Desire…
But the addiction takes over from there…and, sometimes (not always) I go too far…become Mr Hyde…
Mr Hyde is a Libertine, an Extremist…a Kerouacian Force of Nature….Dionysius on Acid….
Totally in the Moment, the Eternal NOW.
I don't run off, like I used to…Even Drunk, I'm still a Cripple, after all.
Now, I find myself "drunk dialing", even online….I think it's looking for connection, just forgetting the Anomalousness….
I don't realize, in that state, that I am even harder for folks to Understand…I make references that, if I were sober, I would usually attempt to explain….
These seemingly unconnected references come across as strange, as wildly inappropriate…they are frequently taken out of Context….a Context I fail to provide.
Complexity of Thought, presented as it Is…without Explanation….
I think that is what I find Liberating….not having to give a class for every utterance.
I know the Context…it's right there, before my Mind's Eye…when I'm beyond the Sweet Spot, I (mistakenly) expect everyone else to have the same Contextual References before their Mind's Eye as well.

What to do…
When I manage to abstain…or, even, to stop at the Sweet Spot…my Mind gets so spun up…whirling with all these Big Things that have nowhere to go…no outlet.
It is… uncomfortable.
Our "culture", in it's long drive towards Homogeneity, driven by Consumerism , Materialism, and the Unspoken Fascism these engender, has few outlets for Anomalies like me.
We are all supposed to be the Same….it's never stated so plainly, honestly…but it's there in every Trope, every Slogan, every instance of Small Talk.
It is Implied, strongly, that Unusual is Bad. Normal is Good.
Beware of the other, the Not Like Us.

What to do?
One can't Unring a Bell….I can't unread Nietzsche….can't unthink all the thoughts that led me to this place…I cannot be "normal". It would mean Pretending to be Normal.
And that would be Dishonest….and require a Bullet.

And in the current "cultural" milieu, with unthinking Teabaggers, and secretly ashamed former Bushies, and Fundamentalists of every stripe…well, there is even less of a need, or even mere acceptance, of Me.
Plug in the deterioration of the Practice of Discussion…
Plug in the Certainty on all sides…
And you have the recipe for Pitchforks and Torches….Mobs.
I know enough about history to understand just who the Mob thinks is to blame…
And it looks an awful lot like me.


Anonymous said...

Having a sharp mind and nowhere to apply it is a very difficult thing especially when it's not a common thing. I often grab a drink, close the book or laptop and find a silly movie or sitcom to watch to slow my mind down to a level I can cope with. I give myself headaches often just THINKING so much about all these things you've talked about and more. Thinking becomes worry, worrying becomes planning, planning becomes scheming, scheming becomes... I don't even know.

Why do you think I talk so fast?! I have to keep up with my brain!


amfortas the hippie said...

Ja...sometimes I can't even read my handwriting..They encouraged me to print, in High Skool.
Wendy posted this:
And Clif hit it on it's noggin.
We've been watching Chick-Flicks, all week.

amfortas the hippie said...

And the really shitty thingis, I know that a lot of this (Enui?)is a function of the Place I'm at...but I love the country.
We talk a lot about how if $$$ fell from the sky, we'd move. But I don't know.(even tho I threaten France).