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Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dreaming Monsalvaat.

                        "Du siehst, mein Sohn,/ zum Raum wird hier die Zeit."



I moved out here, to this Far Place, to do a job.
Now that the cows are long gone,and the barbadoes, and almost the goats...
Now that the Prowler is in the Nut House...
Now that the Belligerent Eunich is mellowed, having lost his Svengali...
Now that we've been gone for 5 years....

Now, I begin to think about our return.

I intend to do it my way, this time.
The End Goal has always been settled....but how to get there was always in dispute.
Irrigation will have to be first...an eventual Windmill and new Well, at the back of the back pasture....as well as a gravity driven line from the extant front windmill.
The latter will feed the irrigation for the front pasture.
Next is deer fencing, reinforced against wild pigs.
Then, it's trellising for Grapes.
Only then, can we plant.
Grapes for Wine, and Olive Trees for Oil, and Pomegranates because they're cool, and I'm certain that they'll grow here.
Pecans in the low part of the front pasture, where it floods when it rains.
A few Oaks, here and there....and some Pinion Pines on the driest, most poor soil at the very back.
A windbreak will have to be planted along the north fence of the back pasture, and I'll need to consider a truck path, back there , as well.
Great flocks of geese and ducks and chickens...with as many chicken houses as the birds seem to need...for mowing and bug control.
I would like a large rock cistern, at the very back, doubling as a swimming pool...with cattails and water lilies, and a solar pump for the waterfall/sand filter.(I have experimented extensively with this).
Koi, Crawdads and a few Catfish.
Also at the very back, that beat up old trailer house.
I spent 16 years paying for the damned thing, so it will be pressed into service...ideally as a recording studio/Conservatory.
Next to it...again, ideally...the Rain Barn, with a slab,...under which would be the underground portion of the Library.
My Office will be 3 school buses...because I have always wanted one....arranged in a horseshoe, under the Rain Barn, open to the south.
This compound, at the very back of the place, under the shadow of Elijah's “Mountain”, I will call the Monastery.

Our House will be a little farther north from where the old trailer house is now. Cinderblock, reinforced, massive walls for heat sink, and storm protection...and because stone workers are expensive.
I desire a fireplace, on the north end...and a wood fired cookstove on the south. A Gas stove, as well...my big Vulcan.
Ideally, a methane digester will provide the gas for cooking.
Large porch, all the way around the house, and a large, central room...much like Theoden's Meduseld, in LOTR.
Open....Kitchen and living room, all in one.....with Beams for Rafters.
Bedrooms on the east and west sides.

Two herb gardens...one, by the house...the other, by the Monastery.

I'd prefer solar, and especially wind, eventually...for the whole place...Mom's house, included.

And Bees.
I want Bees.

I think about a shop...wood side, and metal side...with the forge.

….and about an Oil Press....and a Wine Press.
(Juice is easier to sell off to wineries)...eventually, I'd like to make our own.
Also eventually...the possibility of making brandy(regs are a PITA)....and Vinegar.

When the Law catches up with sense, we could buy the place next door for Hemp.
My Giant Greenhouse can be moved to behind Mom's...for eventual rooting of cuttings for grapes, and olives and whatever else....grafting onto rootstock, and the like.
I shall be ordained a Druid, and declare the whole place the Monastery's Environs,lol.
I envision a large Wind Harp, maybe a big ass kettle drum for Samhain.(Ha!)
And a Statue, or three...

I have a rather detailed, step by step plan for all of this....developed over 18 years.
I had the broad outline, a year after I moved here.
The only question, really is twofold...money, and body.
I'd need a golf cart to get around, of course.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_amoenus

/////////////////////////////////////

Who am I foolin'?

All of this should be in place and thriving, already.
It's why I came here.
As it stands, it's far too late...my body is a wreck, as is my mind.


All of this could have been averted, if not for the dreaming of my mother, coupled with her hard-headed insistence on doing things her way....and if not for the Crazy that would explode out of stepdad, every six weeks...wherein I was the root of all evil.

Now, I am a ruined husk of a man...no prospects...nothing to do with my time, besides hurt, and try to do the dishes.
And now, my mom decides that I was right, all along...and we should do it my way...after almost 19 years of distraction.

At best, I'll manage to procure a couple of school buses, and move the trailer to the back....
I really need a Library.
Perhaps, I'll manage to get irrigation installed and plant vines and trees.
But it will be for my sons to make a real go of it.
My time is all but spent.
My body and my mind are broken.
...and on days like today, when I'm feeling the approaching weather, and hiding from my last drunken foolishness,....I just want a warm place to sit and read....a comfortable chair to write from....
//////////////////////////////////////////////////

There's a Weighty Tome in me.
Distilled from my life experience, and the myriad things I Think about.
From the Ten Thousand Things that I've read. Perhaps two Weighty Tomes...one, Autobiographical...because I've crammed a lot of Life into 44 years...and the other, the Intersection of Philosophy, Politics, and Myth...where I've toiled for all these years.
An Appendix, or something, of this last, would be the Gargantuan Field Study of the American Right, that I need to set down, in order to get away from.



But I require a Place...a Refuge...
Haven.
I've not felt at Home....anywhere...since I was 14.
From Karen Switch, to the broader Magtom area, to the Greater Houston Area, to Huntsville, Austin, the Old South, to this Far Place.
Not even Dry Prong....but this last is all I've got to work with.
When I came here, finding at long last a Hidden Kingdom was one of the reasons....a place to Retreat from the world.
If I am to be Alone, but for my Accidental Family...then let me be Alone.
Let me be Amfortas, in his Monastery...removed from the hustle and bustle and the Hoi Poloi.
My Gondolin and Nargothrond...My Imladris and Laurelindorinan.
Avalon.
Shangrila.

                                                
Vater, was fehlt dir?





Serpent






On September 15th,(I think),2013, I was down in the Library, from around 5am, till almost 1pm. It was a Pain Day, and I was avoiding the Bed, and TV, and engaged in a Wiki Wander.
About 1pm, I heard the drumsticks clatter, around the other side of the central shelf of Books...I assumed it was the cat, Bob, who had been down there all day with me.
I got up, buck-nekkid, and looked around the corner to admonish Bob, and saw instead a 4 foot rattlesnake, hanging from the top of the back shelf.... attempting to get up and over, apparently.
By the time I retrieved the 12 gauge from the front of the house(loaded with Bird-Shot), said Snake was gone....presumably behind those shelves.
There was so much stuff in the Library, that it was impossible to tell just where she went; books, stacks of paper, photographs, all manner of heirlooms and objets d'art, and lots of cool rocks and bones, and even a 30 year old squirrel skin.
In my shock and despair, I called the Dog Catcher...no answer...so I called the Dispatcher, and she sent a Deputy(my least favorite one, at that.)
He came, he looked, he said,"welp...I don't see no snake"....then seeing the shotgun, said,"it's a fine for discharging a firearm in city limits".
I told him that I'm sure the judge and jury would understand...and away he went.
I procured six boxes of mothballs, and spread them liberally in all three rooms in that part of the house(Library, Pantry and Cubbyhole)...all completely separate from the Front of the House.
I opened windows, and spread corn starch on the sills...even though my Visitor more likely came from underneath, due to my poor carpentry skills.(there's a six inch gap around half the perimeter of the floor.)
Due to my Brokenness, made worse by the repeated cold fronts and Rain Events, it's taken me this long to box about 2/3 of the Stuff up, and haul it out to the Hunting Trailer at Mom's.
(Books are Heavy)
I was down there, yesterday, boxing a bunch of fragile stuff, when I heard something move behind one of those shelves.
It was a Long Sound, as something rough sliding across the corner of one of the wall braces behind that shelf.(there's no panelling, due to money and pain).
 


So the Plan is to put the oldest boy on the couch, behind my position, with the spotlight, the younger behind him with the camera, the wife beside me to lean the shelf, and me out front with the .22  with Ratshot, and the ancient Frog Gig.

I'll probably end up excusing the boys, as I only have 2 sets of safety glasses, in case of ricochet.
I sure would like a picture, though.
I intend to eat said Serpent, if I can catch and kill her.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

It's instructive that, in under two months, we've gone from a resignation to being stuck here, in town, to actively preparing for our eventual return to the Hills.
I knew immediately that a massive effort would be needed to make damn sure that the Snake was GONE!...that this effort would be necessarily protracted(Cripple)...and that led to the thinking: Well, do I move back in after I fix the holes? or do I keep it in storage until I can build a proper Library?
Since such activity is Painful, for me, we have been leaning towards the latter.
Serpents as Transformative Messengers of the Divine are well represented in all but the 3 Judaic Religions.
I admit to some affinity for the figure of Cassandra, to whom Apollo sent Python...who then licked her ears, giving her the gift of foresight.
Later, when Cassandra rejected Apollo's amorous advances, he cursed her with never being believed.
When I cry, "Serpents licked my eyes!", this is what I'm referring to.
The proverbial Battle against the Cthonic Serpent, on the other hand...referenced in the first two images...probably points to the Patriarchic Sky Gods(or their Agents) triumphing over the Matriarchic Earth/Water Goddesses that came before.
From Saints Patrick and George, to Marduk and Tiamat, to Perseus and the Gorgon and Heracles and the Hydra, this tale is widespread....and very old.
From Campbell's 'Masks of God',vol.3,"Occidental Mythology"....

"
"The legend of Perseus beheading Medusa means, specifically, that 'the Hellenes overran the goddess's chief shrines' and 'stripped her priestesses of their Gorgon masks,' the latter being apotropaic faces worn to frighten away the profane.
That is to say, there occurred in the early thirteenth century B.C. an actual historic rupture, a sort of sociological trauma, which has been registered in this myth, much as what Freud terms the latent content of a neurosis is registered in the manifest content of a dream: registered yet hidden, registered in the unconscious yet unknown or misconstrued by the conscious mind.""

The "Mainstream" of Anthropology/Archaeology, of course, pooh-pooh's all over this idea...but I've seen enough to be pretty convinced.
I have, from my earliest memories, always had a visceral and automatic Fear of snakes.
It is the only animal that I kill indiscriminately.
To find such a large specimen in my Sanctum Sanctorum,and to be unable to remove her, or to even determine if she's still in there...is Horrible.
It has had a profound effect on my Psychology, to say the least....and in spite of any Mythological/Symbolic Associations.
Wisdom, Regeneration, Creation, Temptation,Prescience....none of this matters.
All that matters is that this episode has driven home what I've been denying since we moved to town: It Ain't Safe, Here.




Agoraphobic, Autodidactic Polymaths should live in the Wilderness.








http://stottilien.com/2013/01/18/the-dangerous-serpent-an-jungian-view/

http://www.mythencyclopedia.com/Sa-Sp/Serpents-and-Snakes.html

http://jeanraffa.wordpress.com/2011/03/01/snake-symbolism/

http://jungcurrents.com/images/thor-and-the-midgard-serpent/

http://mythologian.net/ouroboros-symbol-of-infinity/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serpent_%28symbolism%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%B6rmungandr

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Serpent
http://www.amazon.com/The-Cosmic-Serpent-Origins-Knowledge/dp/0874779642
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiamat
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaoskampf#Chaoskampf
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gorgon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Python_%28mythology%29
http://www.dmtsite.com/dmt/experience/descriptions_of_ayahuasca.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophites
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sethian
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_of_Set#Philosophy


(the pics are from one of these sites, save for the frog gig, which is from a random shopping site)





Amfortas the Obscure

(more from the backlog...scattered bits,from around June,'13)




And all should cry Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on Honeydew hath fed,
and drunk the milk of paradise.”(1)

Melancholia.
Bitter.
Arid.
Acerbic.

Curmudgeon.

.and then, I went to the Ball Game.
I love my Sons, but my god!
What I go through!
In such a state, going and sitting in the truck, and watching all the peripheral shenanigans...Sports is, at root, why I am the above enumerated things.
It was Rednecks and Jocks that set me on the path to my current Anger and Frustration.(in Magnolia, Texas, they are one and the same...Rednecks and Jocks)

In the Woods, I was as sure-footed as a deer...but on a Ball Field?
Clumsy.
Retarded Clumsy.
Was the ensuing Ridicule really necessary?

I think of these things...I really can't help it...from my perch on the hill, behind Center Field.
I hope I make them Nervous!
The Prancing Gorillas, and their Screeching wives.
I read.
I pay attention enough to know when My Kid is doing something.
The rest?
I honestly do not care.
Win?
Great!”(pats back)
Lose?
Their Pitcher was 15...”(pats back)
My Eldest understands that I Love him, but do not give one damn for the whole lot of it.
My Youngest is not as Thoughtful.
(“Taciturn” is a good word)

It doesn't help that I'm in a Melancholic Anhedonia, at the moment.
The normal Frustrations of Life in America, compounded by Great Intelligence and Eidetic Memory.

I'll say it again....
“Anomaly”.
I'm too fucking smart for my civilisation, and too Honest...and too...
Well.
I have never Fit...anywhere.
I feel this most acutely at the various Sports Events I must attend...and, to a lesser extent, the other Events...be it Band, or the Elementary Talent Show.(jury selection? Fighting with the tax man?lol)

Is it Opened Eyes?
Is it the result of determining the Truth, regarding Humankind?(at least the more likely Truth,lol)
Or is it 10+ years in the Wilderness...both literally and figuratively...after 911 and the closing of my cafe, and all the crazy that was unleashed that day?
Maybe it's the 30 years of Odd Duck-ness in Texas?

I call myself “Liberal”...in the Jeffersonian Sense...and yet I struggle with Misanthropy.
I Believe in the brotherhood of Man...and in His potential God-Hood....
And yet, I see the People running backwards, gleefully donning chains, and flinging poo at each other.

A grief without a pang, void, dark and drear.
A stifled, drowsy, unimpassioned grief,
Which finds no natural outlet, no relief,
In word, or sigh, or tear-”(2)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


“The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This] Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.—Great God! I'd rather be A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising] from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreath├Ęd horn.”(3)

How did I “get” Agoraphobia(nos)?
Was it that water fountain on the Bolivar Ferry, all those years ago?
Was it the aforementioned Rednecks, Jocks and Cops?
Was it the Glazed Eyes...the Cotton Minds...of my Contemporaries?




Psychology 

The Current Milieu.
Since 911, and the accompanying Hysteria and Fear of the Other, I have found myself more and more Hermitlike.
In this same period, I saw the birth of my sons, the failure of my Cafe, the loss of gainful employment(cost benefit analysis), and the increasing Disability, arising from the Wreck, (in 1990), and what can charitably be described as ,”Hard Living”.
The first 5-6 years of this period also saw increasing Panic Attacks, and attempts at self-medication for the Psychological issues, as well as the increasing Pain, related to the Disability.
Almost 5 years ago, the lifelong hostility from my stepdad finally became too much, and we moved to town. Concurrently, I was prescribed Vicodin for my pain, Amytriptaline for nerve damage, and found a steady source of Weed.
These combined with my wife and mother finally coming to understand just what was going on with me, Psychologically, and Physically.
I learned, due to my long habit of Introspection, what my “Triggers” were...and learned to avoid them.
When I must go among the Mundane, I take Valerian Root, in addition to the above listed meds....and gear myself up for the Ordeal.
If I fail to take these precautions, I find that I end up Drunk.
/////////////////////////

The Roots.

I was the Freakish Genius, from a very early age. 180 IQ, a Shining Mind, and a Voracious Curiosity.
While there was outward praise, there was always a sort of covert condescension...which I now regard as a coping mechanism, by those who used it.
As time went on, I found that I didn't “Fit” into any of the pre-determined Social Groupings. I was obviously not a Jock, or a Redneck...nor was I a typical Geek.
Band was full of what I will term,”Goody-2-shoes”,lol....most of whom were also Geeks.
From 3rd to 9th grades, I had a Best Friend,MRL...we shared all of this symptomology, save that he was a better student than I , and he had more ability to Conform, and to be a part of Groups, at least peripherally.
The first time I noticed the Problem of Assumptions was in 7th grade, when my folks got divorced....teachers and counselors, and my folks, all expected a set of reactions and emotions and behaviour problems from me...which weren't there.
I understood the Divorce...what led to it, etc...and I could see the necessity and benefit of such an action.
This understanding went against all the expectations...which was, apparently, unacceptable.
I found that I had to repeatedly Explain Myself to various authorities whom, to a man, seemed incapable of understanding my Not Fitting into their Preconceptions....
These were my first experiences with outright denial of what turned out to be my Anomolousness.(there's the “diagnosis, right there,lol)
When, in 9th grade, my best buddy moved, due to his own folks' divorce...I found myself alone in the crowd. I had become fascinated with Da Vinci...and began writing in Mirror Writing...it was just something to do, to relieve the Boredom.
This was seen with much Concern, as a symptom of some underlying Emotional or Psychological Disturbance(from Divorce, etc). I was shocked to find that the school counselor was so Dense! Was there nothing in her books about Freakishly Smart Kids?(that's 2013 me talking, there,lol)
I was not believed when I explained that, no, I wasn't upset about the divorce...or anything else, really, except that my BFF had gone, and I was alone with a bunch of Fools and Jocks and Rednecks and a few other Smart Kids who, sadly, had little in common with me (they were all Xians, and incurious about most of the things that interested me...at the time , this incuriousness was not hostile, and had not ramped up to the anti-science insanity we see, today).

By the time I reconnected with MRL...who had moved 20 miles down the road...it was too late. We had diverged.
I'm coming around to the conclusion that this Loss was pretty Foundational to my development, and my subsequent wrestling with the System.//////////////////



Sister...do ya even want to...Try and Find me?”-Black Crowes,Sometimes Salvation

What choice did I have?
I never wanted, nor expected, to end up so broken and all alone.
Mike the Martian.
Even the Weirdos thought me weird.
Freak.
But I couldn't help it...
It wasn't my fault that I was too smart...or that I found Authority Figures so wanting...or that I recognized , so early on, that most of the Social Structures were just that, and were mostly Bunk.
The Fools and Idiots had already Won, and were in league against me.
What could I do, but Embrace my Weirdness?
When Austin was not the Hippie Paradise I had expected, I despaired.
I gave up, back then, of ever finding a Place to Belong...
So it was with this in mind that I removed to the Wilderness.
Bad idea, it turned out...between Mom/Don, the Townies, and lil George and 911, the Wilderness morphed into Tea...and I am stuck.
I should have followed my instinct...once I had run off the first wife...
Hit the Road and headed West.
I had the Means and the Body, as yet...and the Will to Make a Go of it.
All that Will and Effort was wasted, here...broken against the rocks of being either well ahead of my Time, or Out of Touch..or just taking the advice of others....the jury is still out.
So here I sit...body Broken...in my Library...the one that's never used.
I have no Friends...and even my wife and kids think I'm a weirdo.
I spend my days with agoraphobia and Pain...and rarely leave the Monastery and Environs.
I will likely die, here...misunderstood, if not hated.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I finally got a new hip in Feb of this year.
Wonderful.
Hip feels great.
The problem is, that the hip is connected to the rest of me.
Doctors, friends , relations and acquaintances...even strangers...all of them, to a person, seem to believe that my problems are Over...I am a New Man, and can now get off Medicaid, stop taking pain meds, and go get a job.
This is especially frustrating with the Doctors...who should know better.
Fear of Audit...and a heaping(and surprising) dose of Mythology, regarding Opiate painkillers,...and I'm cut off....
Given Naproxin (aleve)...and some other pill to prevent the first from fucking up my belly,(but which has it's own set of digestive side effects)
I have reserved the Percocet they gave me after the hip surgery...didn't need it, then...I had sufficient Norco, at the time.
Since I quit all the Pharmaceuticals, about a month and three weeks ago, I've taken perhaps 8 Percocets: all for extraordinary situations...going to Houston for a week, and doing the museums, etc...and my 36 hour whirlwind to Padre(took one for the trip back).

This is hardly behaviour indicative of addiction....
But I'm still screwed.
There are no Rheumatologists, in the State of Texas, who are currently accepting adult Medicaid patients.
I must wait for someone to be miraculously cured...which, given the nature of the diseases that Rheumatologists deal with, means that I must wait for someone to die.
I'm on a waiting list(and this is Texas...this waiting list has zero to do with Obamacare).
My regular Doc wants me to see a Rheumatologist to find out why I feel so terrible...why all my joints hurt so much. Then, he'll send me to a “Pain Management Specialist”(if I can find one who takes Medicaid,lol), who will...presumably...take the prescription of opiate painkillers out of my regular Doc's worried hands.
Xray of back and knee don't show any likely culprit...neck, shoulders other knee, wrists and elbows, have not been scrutinised, radiologically.
Neither has my gravel-like ankle.
I suggested an MRI for my knee/back...and was brushed off. I assume this is due to the inefficiency/incompetence(willful and on purpose) of Medicaid.

My offending eyelashes...which grow into my left eye...and have for 23 years...are due to be electrocuted next week.
I am both extremely leery of the procedure...and cannot wait to have it done.
3 ½ weeks of “letting them grow” has been nightmarish...even with the “bandage contact lens” I've been wearing.
That eye remains open when I sleep...and . Thus, dries out.
Both eyes suffer from “cotton eye”...which I suspect is related to the left eye's issues.
Dry eyes, with a contact is a bitch. So I lubricate...and wear a patch.
I am ready for the electrodes.
(this was done...but they missed 2 eyelashes...as was expected by all concerned)
/////////////

On top of all of this is Psychology.
I'm a mess.
...mostly because of my life-experiences...cops and hillbillies...the frequently lamented Anomalous-ness.

I find that I am enraged...oh, so quietly.
I am enraged at the Injustice I see all around me, at the injustice of my Medical experience....at the continual assumptions made by everyone from the garbage man to Rickfuckingperry, that it's all, somehow, a brilliant plan to mooch off the gooberment...
at the Bullying I was subject to, as a kid and young adult...
I am enraged at the carload of Rednecks(the hats gave them away) who ran me off the road, 12-17-90...and were never looked for...you know, because Joe is obviously making it up, and deserves his fate(Cops...really).
I am enraged that it has become unheard of and silly to refuse to kiss the bosses' ass...That demanding a better wage, and humane working conditions, is for some reason, a bad thing.
I am enraged that Stupidity is ascendant.
...and that the Enlightenment Project has been abandoned by so many of my countrymen.
I am enraged that the successful businessmen are usually the most corrupt...and that the entire regulatory apparatus excludes the small, the poor and the Honest.
That one is expected to set aside Integrity, in order to “get ahead”...and that one finds oneself falling behind, anyway...and without Integrity.

I am Enraged by these things...and many others...and yet I offend by falling into the beer pool, on occasion.
By behaving stupidly, and forgetting my Mundane Filter..(.that habit of being so clear that the most ignorant moron can understand me.My Mundane Filter is usually Silence...I just don't say anything, at all.)

I offend.
What is unknown...or forgotten?...is that I am Offended...continually...
By all those things, and more.
I have, as perhaps my greatest curse, Terminal Curiosity about the universe.
As a result, I find myself more knowledgeable, in more pertinent subjects, than anyone I know.

All this seems to accomplish is my further alienation from the rest of the species...at least the Texas portion of it.

I manage to limit my news intake for a week...and when I can't stand it, any more, I take a peek....
and find that Texas is in an uproar, that Gay People can marry(somewhere), and that our Right to Vote is on the block, again...like it's 1956.
Oh...and the NSA is watching and recording every phone call and email and facebook post...which I have known for many years, but the majority is only now having to become aware of.

I think about the 6 years of low boil terror, from mom's prowling neighbor (who is now in an asylum for early-onset Altzheimer's !!)...and I think about the ridicule my mom and I endured from friends and family and cops.

Add PTSD to the diagnosis.

//////////////

I am afraid to attempt to utilise Medicaid for a shrink.
I'm afraid for several reasons...
For one, I have some experience with shrinks...both in clinical and in educational settings(I really like Jung,lol)...they are not semi-divine...and the specimens I have examined are , simply, not qualified for someone like me.
For another, I am in the middle of Texas...there are few shrinks this side of Austin or San Antone(100+miles away)...and Medicaid frowns on shopping around in these terribly slim pickins.
Out of the 5 or so shrinks I have interacted with, however briefly, over the last 18 years, only one has not had crosses and bible verses all over the room.
All but one have worn their Christian Zeal on their sleeves.
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to have to defend my agnosticism, or paganism or whatever.
Even the nice, educated and tolerant specimens have always ended up at “if you would only offer yourself to Jesus...”
Another reason for this reluctance, is that all or most of the symptomology looks like perfectly rational responses to intractable problems...Rebellion against increasing Cripplehood, the whole Anomaly-Thing,the world being basically Screwed, and the Ascendance of the Insane and Ignorant.
Is there a Pill, for this?
///////////////////////////////////


sigh.
Turns out that there ARE NO Shrinks who take Medicaid...at least within 100 miles of me.


////////////////////////////////////

I have thought about getting out of Texas...
perhaps the issue is Place.
Perhaps New Mexico, or Colorado...if not California or Oregon...are better suited to someone like me, in my situation....
But I have no money.++**
I have no Strength.
...and I have zero experience with anywhere but Texas and the rest of the Deep South.
I have contemplated an attempt at reconnaissance....
Stick a camper on the truck, and take off for points west, just to see what's up...
That's really what the Padre trip, and the campout for the boys, were all about....test runs.
Experiments to find out my endurance for such endeavors...driving and living rough.


Should I wait till I'm as fixed as possible?
If so, how does one determine that point?
I could lose Medicaid, etc at any moment...due to the dysfunctional system, due to some misunderstanding by the underpaid and undertrained staff at such agencies...or due to simple , arbitrary fiat by Machine...ie: for no reason, at all.
Folks who have no experience with these things should shut the hell up, every once and a while...and listen.

/////////////////////////////

Killing Hope.
Some folks, whom I listen to, say it's a Good Thing...to kill Hope.
Frees one up for Action...or something...
I am not convinced.
I see the state of the world...and I despair.
I see the state of my life...relatively stable;at least on a material level, at the moment...and I despair.

I haven't written a word in weeks.
I find that I have both too much and too little to say...
I also feel like I've said it all before...
Is this because I have become a Cliche?
Or because so much is still unresolved?

It is an Impasse.

I am all but Powerless to resolve the health issues...things must “take their course”...all I have , as far as Agency, is to keep reminding the various Doctors that I ain't done.

The rest?
Well..I suspect that Health is what's in the way, there.
If I can get the ankle fixed, and get with some rational pain management people(lol),for the rest of me, I might be able to find some work I can do....which, it is hoped, would help with a whole host of other things.
I have the makings of a shop...I could make wind-chimes, or something.
I'll never cook for a living, again.(more psychologically damaging realisations.)
I really have no idea what I can, or want to do for a living.
There are so many unknowns.

//////////////////////

Lack of Agency is likely a large part of my current anhedonic melancholia...
I have always been the guy with the duck tape and wire...perhaps a bit of rope...
I always could find a work-around...
But no longer.

That way of living seems so exhausting...and painful...now.
Much like living rough...I don't think I'm up to it, any more.
Not physically able.

///////////////////////////


























  1. Kubla Khan”, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
  2. Dejection;an ode”, Ibid.


++**I'm probably the only person any of you readers know who has never had a credit card.
Try that for a week.
Lol.


Exegesis on DOOM

(from Feb.'13, lost in the shuffle)

“The House GOP...winning the hearts and minds of Americans (not). Just in time for Obama's address later today. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/24/us/politics/house-gop-sets-new-offensive-on-obama-goals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
    after careful and ongoing review of various and sundry numbers...I am almost ready to say that the Pendulum has become Unstuck.
    ...and I think that GOPTEA knows it...hence all the hollering and temper tantrums, and other toddler-like behaviour.

  • I read it again, and thought about it.
    prolly would be prudent to lay in a few extra supplies.
    Fiscal year ends on Sep.31?(terrible with dates)...so, shutdown...maybe a crash by the end of October.
    In our still weakened state(it ain't 1995), demand could take a rather large hit.
    again, it ain't 95...we're service sector, now.
    I wrote the Prez...asked him to please kick some GOPTEA Ass, in the next few weeks..go all Heston as Moses...call down the thunder.
    They've been burning and burning everything for a long while , now...do they really want to burn the whole thing?
    It's looking that way.
    This article has made me madder at them, than I've ever been.

    GOPTEA needs a scolding...and the Democratic Party needs to stop pretending that GOP are merely the other party.
    I don't think they are.
    Dystopian Vistas sprawl before my inner eye.
    I think mythologically of Sith and Sauron, and the Galactic Empire(modern myth cycles)...of the Mule in Foundation...God-Emperor of Dune.
    How would one, with sufficient resources, bring about a NeoManorialism...neo Feudalism?
    How would one go about getting rid of those pesky ideas, like Democracy, Equality, Liberty?
    If you really believed that your group/class/subspecies(Ha!), were superior to the rest, and deserved to Rule...that the Masses needed the Noble Lie, and to be Governed by your benevolent, but firm hand(Strauss)...if you believed all that...how would you go about it?
    One way, would be almost exactly what has happened, these past 4 decades, or so.(Powell Memo,etc)
    That's what articles like this make me think of...after so many years of studying these assholes.
    "Rage, Rage, against the dying of the Light"
  • principii obsta ;et respice finem.
    around 2003, 2 over-riding questions pushed there way to the front:1. why Iraq?(ans:it has to do with Resource Depletion...which nobody wants to talk about...but that is, nevertheless, the only driving force behind all the rest of the otherwise insane actions of the Right, that makes any sense.)
    And 2:"Who the hell are these people?!"
    The answer to #2 is even more complicated...there being factions and front groups, money men, and street thugs, and soccer moms...it's difficult to find what commonalities bring them all together...
    I spent 7 years, immersed in all things Right Wing; from Edmund Burke, to Hitler,lol.
    From Milton Friedman to Leo Strauss.
    and, in addition, I lurked on many RW fora...with aliases, and fake emails...what I call my Jane Goodall Period.
    I studied Trolls.
    The results?
    There's a million little groups, and big groups, all hollering and agitating...but these are not the Core.
    The GOP, and TEA, are not the Core. Even the Boardrooms are not the Core.
    The Core of this Revolutionary Movement lies in Gated Enclaves...in Penthouses...Palatial Estates.
    Yacht Clubs, Country Clubs.
    The "Corporations" and "Hedge Funds" that we all get so worked up about, are not the Core...they are merely another curtain to hide behind.
    What we used to call the "Aristocracy"...is alive and well...and dug in, so far out of sight, that we've forgotten about them.
    Kock Bro's are among them...but we'll never see the rest.
    They don't go on TV...don't get caught at fundraisers.
    From what I can surmise, Leo Strauss comes very close to laying out the guiding Ideology of this Invisible Class...
    To them, we're serfs and vermin...incapable of self rule...stupid, ignorant, and ready to believe the Big Lie(see:Strauss,"Natural Right and History", and "On Tyranny").
    They see themselves as Natural Rulers....echoes of Divine Right.
    as for the Goals of this bunch, see #1, above.
    There's too many people for the planet to sustain...ergo, the herd must be thinned.
    Shocking, no?
    The Horror I felt, when I arrived at these 2 things!
    the huge near impossible problems Humanity faces...and the "Solution" engineered by these would be Masters.
    It really is Life or Death...it really is an Existential Fight.
    We really are in a struggle for Civilisation, itself.
    #1 means that there will be a general collapse, at some point. the Resources aren't there to sustain...and even if they were, we've managed to so damage the Biosphere(Commons), that we've effectively doubled down on the damage.
    #2 means that we've allowed this bunch to channel us into certain, determinative forks in the road.
    30-40 years ago, a choice was made...in some cushy room...to forget about a managed and humane Decline...and to instead, push the pedal to the firewall, extract as much wealth and power as possible, and then Hunker Down, while the Ecological Disaster, the Famine, and our own Inner Demons took care of the "surplus Population".
    Then they could emerge from the bunker, as it were, and be Saviours to the Remnant.
    ...and to the Manor Born...as "God Intended".
    This is the way I see things...and it ain't pretty...
    It also ain't for everybody.lol.


Energy analyst Chris Nelder fires back at the latest fact-free commentary on peak oil:”
to wit:"I expect world oil production to rise, weakly, for another two years or so, as America falls into a deeper slumber believing that fracking has cured everything. The media will reinforce that belief. And when it comes, the wake-up call is going to be harsh. In the meantime we’re just going to be waiting for the punchline.

So to those who can grasp the data, here’s my final thought: How will you prepare yourself for The Great Contraction? You’ve got perhaps two good years left of business as usual, and maybe another three or four after that before things really get difficult. I encourage you to use them well, and do what you can to make yourself resilient and self-sufficient. What will you do 10 years from now if the price of gasoline is $10 a gallon?

Yes, we do need to have a serious talk about our values, hopes, beliefs, mythologies, and ambitions; about the embedded growth paradigm, the debt overhang, and economic theory in an age of diminishing marginal returns. Those are all important discussions. But let’s have them after we understand the facts about energy. Not before.

Whatever you do, don’t think that peak oil is dead just because some guy who doesn’t know what he’s talking about said so in a fact-free blog post. It’s coming. Later than some thought, but sooner than you think."
(from today:http://www.smartplanet.com/blog/take/peak-oil-isnt-dead-it-just-smells-that-way/963)



it's the same story for copper,Potash, even uranium and coal...topsoil, fresh water...on and on and on.
with all this in mind, I have encouraged my local gooberments to use the grants available to turn the ancient sewage plant into a gas digestor...to at least run the water system...but everybody's a cornucopian.
and I am simply insane.lol.
This nexus of giant, unaddressed and terminal problems(climate, resource and peak Economics(go on, argue that one,lol)) are the underlying reasons for the all out balls-to-the-wall implementation of panopticon, corps-deregulation,and the wonton destruction of the Rule of Law.
but, instead of doing what we can to mitigate all of this, we're mired in apathy, or in bickering over the crumbs, or in being oh so terrified of the terrist, or the gay, under the bed.
puppet theater.lol.
I have said repeatedly, that I don't deny the reality of decline..what concerns me is HOW we enter that decline...as ruthless fire-monkeys, at each other's throats...or as compassionate citizens, aware that we share the boat.
now that i've scared the shit out of everybody,lol...and driven you all to the nearest liquor cabinet...
am I without Hope?
hell no.
there's still time to take it all back from the "Noble Lords"(sic), and their legions of fearful and violent followers.
The Pendulum, reference far above, does indeed appear to be moving, at long last.
Better late, than too late.
Unlike many of my Doomer buddies, who believe that it's already as good as Over...and that it's past time to retreat to our own bunkers, and try and stay out of the way...Unlike them, I am far too Agnostic to believe in such Certainties...
yes, it appears that the current Paradigm of Human Industrial Civilisation is patently unstable, and unsustainable...I have not been able to disprove this.
But that just makes it all the more imperative that we...the non-crazy,non-racist,non-misogynist,pro-education, pro-99%(!)...all of us who haven't drunk too deeply of the Neoliberal Koolaide...that we wake up, then stand up...and kick the bastards out.
We've heard the phrase,"Take our country back!"...usually without any explanation as to "Who from?",lol.
As with so many Right Wing Tropes...this is Projection...projecting their own secret desires and wants and needs, their own hatred and self loathing, onto Us.
It is We who should be Taking Our country back...
the nature of their long term, slow motion Coup has been such, that the conventional ways of countering treason, and ...yes..Evil...are no longer applicable.
Poisoning the Language, totally fouling "debate",shouting lies and half-truths, for so long that folks begin to believe them.
If Holder...or the Prez.. were to make any moves to apply the Rule of Law...the Great Wurlitzer of Ignorant Outrage would spin up.I can hear them, now..."see...he IS a Dictator!".
I'm afraid that it's up to US.

-me, on FB, july 21-22,2013

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

After the (hopefully abortive) Coup.






So, it's 2015, and the Tea Party is back in Fringeland, muttering to itself...the GOP is cowed and broken, licking it's wounds, having had to give up seats...actual seats...on it's side of the aisle, to accommodate all the new Dems.
What now?

Although none of the above has happened yet, and there's certainly no guarantee that it will come to pass..."What now?" is what at least some of us should be thinking about.


I'm gonna ramble, here...let bubble up many things that I've mulled over. I'm also gonna link shamelessly to Wikipedia...and if that's the hammer you intend to strike me with, you are a fool. Go back under your rock, and re-examine your Assumptions.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The Reagan Revolution has done huge damage to the country.
Socially, Economically, Morally, and in the other metrics that come to mind.
We are an Empire, abroad...and a heartless, idiot, at home.
The division and acrimony among the People is at it's highest level, since the Civil War...and the Surreality...the utter Confusion...displayed by both sides of the political divide...but especially that of the Right...is simply staggering.
But this is not meant to be about How we got to where we're at...but about where we're going.

If the Democratic Party listened to me(which they do not), here's what I would do...and quickly.

First, I'd start zealously Enforcing the Sherman Anti Trust Act...With a Will.
One of the Features of Mature Reaganism is near Monopoly Control over every material aspect of life.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherman_Antitrust_Act )

Corporate Consolidation, it should be understood, is a Bad Thing.
Start Undoing it.
Maybe we could stop subsidizing Giant Corporations, as well.
Freeloaders Suck.
Second, and related, I'd move very quickly with...not a penny...but a quarter, for a while...tax on every dollar that Wall street (the FIRE Economy) "Makes".
This "Industry" has become a Parasite on the Real Economy(what You do every day with your Money and your Time).
It's high Time for a Vermifuge.
Third, and also related, End the War on Unions...end "Right to Work", Unilaterally, and Federally...maybe even Amend the Constitution, eventually....
And speaking of that, Amend it to Counter the odious Citizen's United, Publically Fund Elections, and declare...ONCE and FOR ALL...that Corporations ARE NOT PEOPLE!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labor_Management_Relations_Act_of_1947 )
Next, I'd undo the Consolidation of Media Ownership.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concentration_of_media_ownership )
End the things Clinton did, to encourage it.
Similarly, Bring back Glass Steagall, and related Legislation.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glass_steagal)

In the realm of Government...Fix the Filibuster...and punish it's overuse, and misuse.
While it can be an essential tool, to ensure that the Minority has a say, it has been become Farce.
No More Paper Filibusters.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filibuster )

We should also endeavor to Fix the Gerrymandering Problem.
It's dishonest...and it appears that our elected representatives cannot be trusted with this endeavor.
So take it away from them.
I'd put it in the hands of the People...with a Randomocracy Type selection system.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerrymandering )
(Randomocracy is explained in Arthur C Clarke's "Songs of Distant Earth")
Next, I'd revist Apportionment, in general...we have too few Representatives to realistically Represent Us.
Currently a Congressional District has around 600,000 Constituents.
It is Impossible for anyone...good or bad...moral or no...to "Represent" that many folks.
So, re-animate Article the First.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Article_the_First )

Next, I'd tackle the Overblown Intelligence and Warfighting Sectors...and End the Stupid and Unamerican War on Drugs.
Disband the NSA.
It should be well known, by now, that they cannot be trusted.
The Cia needs a spanking, as well....and we should Open the Damned Vault, and let the People IN>
Hypersecrecy is anathema to a democratic-republican form of Government.
The Cold War is Over...and so is the War on Terror...which was a terrible idea, to begin with.
We should apologize for all our sins, abroad, over the last Hundred years...just Fess Up...and resolve to try harder to live up to our Ideals.
(the Right will especially hammer me on this point...but I don't care. I am unafraid of men in caves, or weak countries who want to try something different)
The War on Drugs...especially the War on Marijuana, has sown fear and distrust, between citizen and cop, and between citizens, themselves. It has eviscerated the 1st,4th,5th,6th,8th,9th and 10th Amendments, done murder to the credibility of Government, and put millions of otherwise innocent people in Jail.
And anyway, after lurking in Right Wing Fora these past few weeks/years, I think the sudden widespread legal availability of some Primo Weed is just what we need, at this juncture.


After and during all of this, we need to tackle the problems faced by the American People.
For decades, we've learned to blame and fear the poor and unfortunate...the sick, and the weak.
The Myth of the "Welfare Queen" is hateful and false.
So, shore up "Welfare"...everything from foodstamps to unemployment to disability...end the Presumption of Guilt that currently Rules these systems.
The reason we have so many folks who need this sort of thing(and I would count myself among them, even if I weren't...Solidarity!)...is because of 35-100 years of the Mythmaking Right.
Begin the Reawakening by Helping, not Harming, those less fortunate.
Then, we can maybe tackle some of the Causes of such Misery.
I've already spoken about the HyperCapitalism, which led to Near Monopoly...well, there's another phrase that more aptly describes how we've allowed our Economic Life to be run: Hydraulic Despotism.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydraulic_empire )
Why don't we have electric cars and Rail? Because the Car companies and the Oil and Gas companies have colluded to prevent it.
...and we gave them billions in Corporate Welfare for their trouble.
A handful of Corporations own the media, another handful controls the Meat Supply, another handful sits astride the Seed Supply, and a few more control the stores, and the manufacturing.
These entities have bought our Governments.
Then they set about rewriting the Rules and Regulations to ensure that their Despotism was complete and could not be challenged from Below.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barriers_to_entry )
We need to Decentralise Everything.
Democratise It All.
Remake the world in a Human Image, instead of the image of a collection of papers in an offshore post office box.
I've written extensively about this...Toilet Paper as a Cottage Industry.
We don't Make Anything, any more.

(http://amfortasthehippie.blogspot.com/2012/12/me-vs-us.html )
(http://amfortasthehippie.blogspot.com/2012/12/us-vs-me-ii.html )




(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decentralization )
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Lastly, yet concurrently, we must remember who we are.
The Tiny Minorities of Oligarchs, and their Rabid Hangers On, have convinced us that we're all like them.
We are not.
Most of us continue to quietly, if not secretly, believe in the Time Honored Idealism that truly made this country great.

Make Ignorant Screaming Shameful, again.
Make Fearmongering and Lying through your teeth and Wild Eyed Hatred, Shameful, again.

The Idea that it's Me against Everybody Else, is not Civilisation....it is it's Anathema.

We should all be ashamed to have let this terrible few get away with so dividing US.
  I have always been ready to defend the Rights of the most Odious among us...even the Klan...
It is high time that We the People demanded some Reciprocal Consideration.
The Enemy of Mankind, when you boil away the distractions and BullShit, is not other Humans, at all...but a set of Ideas, long since disproven.
That is our Battlefield.
Not our streets, and not our borders, not some sandy country that had the misfortune of being located atop "Our Oil"...but in the Minds of Americans.
We, on the Left, have been Remiss and Cowardly, for too long...and left this Battlefield to the Small Minded Men, who care only about Greed...and that fearful and confused portion of our fellow Americans who didn't know any better.
It is hard not to hate them...I understand the recent calls from the Left to charge the Lot of Them with Sedition...but that cannot be the way forward.
A little soap in the mouth, perhaps...but they do not deserve our Hatred, in return for their hatred of us...rather, our Pity...and our Forbearance.....all the while making Certain that they do not again take over the whole damned country.
It has perhaps become clear to you that our words are all but meaningless to them...so let us try Action, for a change.

I await your thoughtful response.